Flames of Ebony
by DigitalSaiyan
Summary: Light wasn't fascinated with L. He just couldn't understand how someone so confusing could actually be so simple and hide it so well, even if he wasn't really hiding anything... but what if he was? new: Death Note amv now up!
1. Walking Contradiction

Hey, this is my first Death Note fanfic... and well, my first story on fanfiction. Please read the warnings before reading as this sort of thing isn't for everyone, and if you flame me I will just say; "I told you so."

****WARNINGS****

This is rated "M" for a reason, it contains Yaoi, Non-Con, as well as blood, torture, and teen angst. So if this isn't your thing please click the back button on your browser.

This is set during the Yotsuba arc, although there is some AU involved as well.

So, if you're still with me, then on with the story!

*edit* April 12, 2009*

* * *

**Walking Contradiction**

"Did your parents have a problem with candy when you were a child?" Light's honey brown eyes flicked to the detective's in question.

L looked over his spoon that held neatly stacked sugar cubes.

"And what kind of problem would that be, Light-kun?"

Light sighed, leaning back in his chair, and running his fingers through his hair. "Oh, like ban it from you, make it restrictly off limits. You seem like the kind of person to hold a grudge and rebel like…" he gestured to the cubes of sugar now stacked precariously on L's spoon, "that."

L let his spoon tilt and all the sugar cubes fell into his tea with a loud splash.

"I don't have parents, Light kun." L said emotionless, not looking up.

"You… you… don't… I..I'm sorry." Light stammered, quite shocked.

"It's quite alright." L replied in that same monotone voice.

There was an awkward moment between the two, the only sound being the clink of L's spoon as he stirred the sugar cubes in.

L broke the silence first. "I guess it's alright if you know," he said quietly, weighing his words. "My parents got into a car accident when I was very young. I don't remember them."

"But… then –"

"Yes," L interrupted, "I am an orphan."

"I'm sorry." Was all Light could think to say.

L brushed him off, standing up and beckoning Light to as well. "Come, break is over, it's time to work." Light nodded slowly and got to his feet. He wordlessly followed L out the room, the detective's sugar addiction all but forgotten about.

* * *

The day dragged on and Light found himself unable to focus on his work. It was getting late, but looking over at L, it didn't seem he would be done any time soon. But then… he would work all night if Light would permit it. As it was, he usually did, sitting up next to Light in bed with his laptop and any treat he was working on at the moment.

"Ryuuzaki?" Light ventured.

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"Could we… go to bed?" he watched for L's reaction, which was usually negative, and would follow along the lines of; 'but Light-kun, its _only _12 o'clock.' Or, 'Stop acting like a child, we have work to do.'

He saw L's eyes flicker to the bottom right of his screen, obviously checking the time. It was 11 Light knew.

"Yes, of course." L's reply came as a shock.

L saved his work and shut down his computer, looking in Light's direction, who was just staring at him in disbelief. He was almost being… _nice._

"Is something wrong, Light-kun?" L asked with almost concern in his voice.

Light immediately shook his head, "No, no, everything's fine, Ryuuzaki."

L seemed to accept that, for he turned away and got out of his chair, then waited for Light to do the same. Was this really happening? Would Light actually be able to sleep tonight?

Light fought the smile that was burning to show on his face, reasoning that L might change his mind at any moment.

But he didn't, for 5 minutes later when they had reached their room, L had simply taken out his laptop and sat on his side of the bed. Leaving Light to do whatever he wished, even if his freedom was restricted to 6 feet of chain.

Light fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the pillow.

* * *

"Light-kun" L's emotionless voice penetrated through Light's dream, almost shocking him awake.

It was early in the morning, Light guessed, as the room he shared with L was still dark. Although L had let him go to bed earlier, it was still late, if you took into account that the rest of the investigation team got to leave at 5.

So, Light, still exhausted rolled back over and ignored the detective, and pulled the blanket up over his head as his only way to block out the noise.

A brisk pull on the chain caused an annoying ringing in Light's ears.

Or at least muffle it.

"Wake up, Light-kun."

"Go away" Light ordered not bothering to look at L. Maybe if he ignored him –

He felt movement on the bed and L's voice interrupting his thoughts once again.

"Come, we have work to do, Light-kun"

Light threw the blankets away, extremely pissed off at the detective, who was sitting in his usual position on the bed staring at Light. He glared at him, "look! Just because _you_ are inhuman and don't sleep, doesn't mean _I _am!"

L gave him a blank stare, "sleeping is a waste of time." L said as if trying to somehow prove he was above basic human needs, while at the same time pulling candy out of his pocket.

_Candy?_

_Oh! _Light's mind screamed as he looked at the candy in L's hand, to his eyes, his abnormally dilated eyes. "You...." Light trailed off, trying to think of a time L had eaten anything that didn't have sugar in it. Of course, he couldn't.

"Yes, Light-kun?" L said while placing a hard candy in his mouth.

"You... _purposely_ eat candy to stay awake!?!?"

A bit of amusement tinted L's eyes, "That is very deductive of you." L bit down on the candy, which made a crunching sound in his mouth.

Light was speechless, he mentally kicked himself for not realizing it earlier; it seemed so obvious when he thought of it now! He had always just assumed he was like an immature kid who –

"Although, Light-kun, it is not correct."

Light ignored his last comment.

It was, Light _knew _it was. No one in their right mind would make a diet that _only _consisted of _candy._ Light knew L was a genius, surely he would know the stupidity of that choice. Which meant that he must have come to the conclusion that the benefits (of having more time) outweighed the risks: diabetes, poor health, early death.

Light felt his left eye twitching.

"You've been staring at me for the last minute, is everything all right?"

"It _is _correct." It wasn't a question.

"Perhaps," L replied casually, his eyes training themselves on the ceiling.

Then, that was it! That was the detectives secret! He hadn't trained his body to go without sleep! Light almost laughed out loud. What would he do _without_ candy?

Light smirked in spite of himself, he would find out. He looked at the chain that connected the two, yes a sugar-crashed L would be a very nice break.

* * *

L and Light walked down the hall in comfortable silence for awhile. L had his hands in his pockets and was deep in thought on their current findings into the Kira case.

He had pages and pages of information on the deaths of new criminals, and it was disconcerting, really, that he had them. He knew he should feel relief that it basically _proved_ Light was innocent. But he didn't feel relief, instead he felt a well of emotions, mostly frustration that he _still _didn't know who Kira was. Every day Kira went uncaught he knew he was letting the world down. No case had ever taken this long, not even the LABB case.

He was doubting his ability as a detective.

And _that's _why he was up 24/7 researching into the Kira case… well that and –

"Ryuuzaki?" L didn't look at Light.

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"Well… I noticed, and I was just wondering… because it is kind of strange…" Light trailed off, causing L to glance in his direction.

"What is it?" L inquired.

Light was staring straight ahead. "Why do you always wear the same clothes?"

L was shocked, his eyes widening a little. "Where did that come from Light-kun?"

"I was just wondering."

L was silent for a few seconds, his gaze refocusing on the hallway in front of them. They were almost at the elevator.

"I don't like change." He said honestly, taking a moment to gage Light's reaction.

Light looked thoughtful for a moment, before he nodded. "Yes, I guess that makes sense."

L turned from the elevator, taking a different route.

He could feel Light's question in the air between them.

"Come, Light-kun, we're taking the stairs today."

Just like L, to be so contradictory.

* * *

Later that day, as Light sat at his computer, sifting through the same information he always did. He looked over at L, who was sitting in his usual position, and wondered if he was really that simple. Was that it? He didn't like change? (The stairs scene aside, it would be like L to purposely throw him off.) It would make sense in regarding the Kira case, if _that_ was why L was so desperately trying to stop him, because he didn't want the world to change, even if it possibly would change for the better. Light wasn't Kira, but he certainly could see his reasoning.

Besides, Light couldn't fathom that L actually gave a damn if people were dying or not. He seemed pretty emotionless as he read through the pages and pages of information on the deceased as if he were reading a list of all the different kinds of candy. No, Light corrected himself, he would show emotion for candy.

"Light-kun?"

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"Please stop staring at me."

A blush formed on Light's cheeks, and he quickly snapped his head back to stare at this own screen, muttering an apology.

"It's okay, I just don't understand your fascination with me." L replied back, still keeping his eyes glued to the screen.

"I am _not _fascinated with you." Light defended

"Then stop acting like it."

Light shot L a glare, but he was more focused on the screen than anything to do with the younger detective.

Light briefly shut his eyes in frustration, regretting so immediately as it made him remember how tired he was, made him wish he could just go crawl under a rock and sleep forever.

Well, not a rock…. That would be uncomfortable.

He _wasn't_ fascinated with L, as he claimed. He just couldn't understand how someone so _confusing _could actually be so _simple _and _hide_ it so well… even if he _wasn't _really hiding anything_._

It was all cats in the cradle and Light had to stop thinking about it, lest he drive himself insane.

It was a relief to unlock the "secret" of L. but at the same time, Light was disappointed, he wished there was something more there. Something more to L than just sugar cubes, bad posture, child-like mentality, and the dislike of change.

There just had to be _something…_


	2. Dancing with Fate

Hey ^.^ I'm back! I know I said a few days… but the almost immediate response I got was unexpected!!! Thankyou so much for your reviews! ( and story alerts) they seriously meant a lot.

Oh, I just remembered I forgot this last time;

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, if I did, I wouldn't be writing _fanfiction._

This chapter contains mature subject matter, reader discretion advised. XD I've always wanted to say that!!!

* * *

**Dancing with Fate**

Light spent the next day attempting to come up with a plan to deny L of sugar. He thought of simply asking him, _daring _him to go without it, and while L was likely to rise to the challenge, he didn't want L _prepared _for a sugar withdrawal. Besides there were many things he could use to keep himself awake, like caffeine pills.

So Light was at a loss, he couldn't very well arrange anything with anybody, that was why he was on a six foot chain in the first place, L was looking for something suspicious.

Light leaned back in his chair pressing his hand to his forehead in frustration, a sigh escaping his slightly parted lips.

L glanced up from his work, "What's the matter, Light-kun?"

"Oh… nothing, just getting a headache." He replied waving the detective off.

"Would Light-kun, perhaps like to go to the washroom for painkillers?"

Lights eyes slightly widened at the offer, he stood up immediately, taking the time though to _act _as if he _did _have a headache.

"Yes, thankyou Ryuuzaki, I would like that."

L nodded, putting a password protect on his computer, before following Light to the bathroom.

It seemed _every _bathroom in the Head Quarters that L had designed, was properly stocked. Yet L and Light had taken the elevator to their room on the 20th floor. By habit if nothing else.

Light fumbled through the contents of the cupboard, pushing the first aid kit out of the way and going though bottles and bottles of medication, ranging from ibuprofen, to ah yes; caffeine pills. Light, slight at hand, slipped the caffeine pills into his pocket, but not before taking an ibuprofen out of the other bottle. To keep up the act he actually took the pill, swallowing it dry, as it was coated in sugar. Not enough sugar, however, to give L a sugar-rush, if Light succeeded in depriving the detective.

With the caffeine pills safely in his pocket, Light let L lead him out of the bathroom and back to their work desks. He wasn't too sure what he would do next, but he still felt like he had made some progress on his plan. If all else failed, he could always take them himself when the damn detective kept him working all night.

Light inwardly groaned when he saw who was waiting for him; Misa.

At seeing him, she put on a smile of utter delight, and clapped her hands, running to embrace him in a hug. "Oh! Light! I haven't seen you in so long!!!"

"Misa," Light broke her restraining hug and pushed her at arm's length, "it's only been a day."

"I know, but Misa misses her Light-kun so much!!!"

He sighed, and glanced at the pale, pale skinned male who was ignoring her completely, a look of pure disgust on his face. Light half-smiled, for he felt the same way but didn't show it. It seemed Light _was_ a better actor than the detective.

No, Light thought, L obviously wanted his disgust known. He was doing it on purpose. Light looked to Misa again, who was waiting as patiently as a puppy whose owner had just come home.

She prattled on about nothing, "… so I told him I wouldn't work anymore unless he gave me something to eat that actually _tasted _good. Cause Light-kun you have no idea how _gross _healthy food is, but I'm a model, so you know I can't just ignore…."

Light nodded pseudo listening, Misa had followed him and L back to their desks and, of course, without wasting a second, L was already getting back to work.

Misa hadn't shut up since, "…so he did and I'm happy, because it's sweet and tastes so good… like the real thing…"

Light had logged back on to his own computer and was finishing the cross reference chart he had been working on.

"...and its sugar free!"

Light paused.

_Sugar free_

He glanced at L, who was still completely ignoring Misa.

"Misa, that's great." Light commented for the first time.

Misa nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, I know and—"

Light cut her off, "Look, um, I know you are here a lot... and I know L only has foods that are... Well..." he took a breath, "So if you'd like, you could ask Watari to stock some of these items here, you know so you'll—"

"Oh! Light! Thankyou for caring about me!" she gasped throwing her arms around him.

He smirked to himself.

By the time L and Light had made it back to their quarters it was past midnight. Light had forgotten about his exhaustion though, as he opened the fridge to see that Watari had _already _followed out Misa's orders, as there were rows upon rows of all kinds of sweets, all labelled _sugarfree _

Light immediately took the labels off, not that L would have noticed, since it _was _Watari or Light himself providing L with treats.

L sat at the table, waiting for Light to do just that. He complied, setting down a slice of strawberry cake in front of L, who predictably picked up his fork and began eating it without a second thought.

As it was made with unprocessed cane sugar, it must have tasted the same, since L gave no signs of noticing a difference even when he was on his 3rd piece of cake. If there was a difference it would, undoubtedly, be L who noticed it.

* * *

There was no change in L that night, or the night after (Even though Light now had _everything _replaced, including sugar cubes.) He hated to admit that it _was _all thanks to Misa, who had, on her own, thrown out _everything _in their quarters that was not sugar free. He was also thankful she hadn't openly announced it, only mentioned it to Light as a passing thought; _"You know, sugar is very unhealthy, therefore the changes I made are for the better."_

Light knew better than to ask Misa any more about it in front of L, while the detective obviously had no intention of listening to her, he still might over hear something.

With that said, Light _was _very pleased with the changes she had made.

Except for right now; it was 3:00 in the morning, their latest night in a while. L hadn't sugar crashed yet, and he didn't know if he was going to. He reasoned that he had probably built up enough sugar in his blood to last a month. However _unreasonable _that actually was.

* * *

L led them up to their room, practically dragging Light behind him whose mind had shut down hours ago, he wasn't even able to walk straight. L had given up working when Light had refused to stay awake, continually falling asleep on his desk.

L was pissed off at Light's weakness, even if he knew it wasn't his fault. L stopped before the bed, and looked over at Light, his half lidded brown eyes displayed his tiredness to well. Light had stopped along with L, as if waiting for a command on what to do next, no longer able to process any information for himself.

More so than anything, L was angry with himself for _being _angry in the first place. He had noticed that over the past few days his emotions had strayed to lie just beneath the surface. As opposed to the tightly locked metal safe they usually remained in. It was frustrating, and frustrating that it _was_ frustrating_, _because it was unlike him to feel so… human. He wasn't used to it, and he didn't like the vulnerable feeling that also came with it. At first he had thought this was one of Kira's abilities but, even to him, the percentage of that was incredibly low. He had a brief thought that it was the connection that was beginning to emerge between them. Although even he could lie to himself, because he discarded the thought immediately to replace it with one where the younger boy had slipped an aphrodisiac into his food.

"Light-kun, by the way." He paused, making sure Light was focused enough to hear him. He wasn't really, but there wasn't much he could do about that, he continued anyway, "I don't know what you did, but I would advise you not to do it again." His voice held an edge of anger, that seemed to go unnoticed by Light, for he numbly nodded, his eyes showing confusion more than anything.

He stayed rooted to the spot, and L had to actually walk over to him and take his hand, a shock of lightning passed over him in a wave, at the contact of Light's skin against his. L blinked and looked back at Light, taking his hand away, and the offer to help him with it.

Light practically collapsed to the floor in exhaustion, lying spread eagle on the floor before L. L felt a bolt of sympathy, but quickly drown it. He had woken Light up at an ungodly hour in the morning (for Light anyway) being 6:00, and they had been working until 3:00 the next morning.

L looked down at Light in puzzlement, he wasn't sure why he felt such a rush at touching Light. It was true that the two of them never touched, so that was probably it... it was just unusual.

Still... L's interest piqued, and before he knew it he found himself sitting in his normal position beside the sleeping Light. He knew he probably wasn't asleep, but was doing this more for dramatics sake.

L reached out a cautious hand and touched Light's cheek. A pang shot through his stomach at the contact, and he moved his chained hand to rest against Light's slowly beating heart.

The touch caused Light to momentarily open his eyes, he looked lazily at the detective before his eyes closed again of their own accord.

L was speechless, as he stared in dumbstruck awe at Light, the reaction his body gave him the third time, when his hand landed to caress the thin shirt that gave way to a slow heart beat, was shockingly out of place;

He felt heat rush to his groin, and his lose jeans suddenly become tight.

What happened next, was purely impulsive, a curiosity that had nestled its way into L's brain and would not be put to rest with mere logic. For truly, there was nothing logical about this;

Light opened his eyes.

L met them with his own, dilated to obsidian.

It wasn't something he meant to do, or thought he would _ever _do. But, L leaned in, and the moment their lips touched, everything shattered into millions of flashes of intangible reality. It was _wrong. _But he didn't pull away. Neither did Light. Instead pressing harder against the others lips, he relished in the firm density Light's lips represented.

L moved to position himself to straddle Light's stomach, effectively closing the distance between them, and pinning the younger man underneath him. With his palm still pressed against the younger boy's, now rapidly speeding up, heart. L's let his pink tongue dart out to softly slide against Light's bottom lip. Light moaned against L's mouth, which gave the detective unfathomable satisfaction to have the younger man respond to him that way.

The detective moved his non chained hand to firmly grasp the back of Light's neck, and press them more together, Light gasped against his mouth and L took the opportunity to slip his tongue inside. Their tongues touched and another moan, this one more heated, escaped Light.

L ground his hips into Light, a subconscious physical demand to be closer, L's hard on pressed uncomfortably against the stiff denim. He felt something though, through the fabric of Light's pants

A hard bulge that betrayed Light's own desperation.

The phone rang.

What happened next was as if time had slowed down to only allow a single frame to cross during the expanse of a second.

L pulled back. Light had gone rigid underneath him. Their eyes met. Lights burned with a silent scream.

The pain of the loud shrilling ring, scattered L's thoughts into meaningless non coherent shadows.

Time snapped, and sped forward with such velocity, almost in a process to catch up with itself.

Needless to say, L found himself violently pushed to the floor, and Light, furious and glaring at him with those intense russet brown, _almost _red, eyes.

L propped up on his elbows, could only stare with wide ebony orbs, as Light rose to standing in one fluid motion. With grace that L could only dream of.

The phone still rang.

Neither of them spoke.

Neither of them made any attempt to answer the phone.

It continued to ring in those frightful moments of the silence between them, like an alarm bringing them awake with frightful clarity from the fantasy world.

And now, upon awaking from such a dream, they found themselves faced with another reality.

What the hell now?

* * *

Light felt sick, physically ill, tiredness a distant memory. He wanted nothing more than to rewind the last few minutes of his life. Nothing more than to erase the feel of L's lips pressed so intensely to his own. To feel the heat pulsing from the detective's body, and his excitement pressed feverishly against his own. _His own. _

At the same time, he wanted nothing more than push L to the floor and vent his need.

To feverishly press those lips against his again.

No one had _ever _elected such a physical response in him before. His heart raced, and shivers of pleasure still raced up his spine. His mind was still partly clouded from the passionate haze that had settled over him in no time at all. Plus he was still painfully hard.

Just the fact, the cold hard _shattering _reality, that _L_ had caused it, made him sick.

His body shuddered at the alien need rising in him.

He ignored it though, only able to glare at L in awkward silence.

He would have walked right out the door, not only of _this, goddamned_ bedroom they shared, but out of the entire HQ building as well. Ignoring his body, his _intellectual _mind, wanted nothing more than to _never _see L again at this moment.

"Unlock us." His demand came through clenched teeth, his angry eyes bored into the frightened detective on the floor before him.

He lifted his wrist, the chain rattled slightly at the disturbance.

The phone gave one last ring and shut up; reminding them just how little time had passed.

L moved his gaze from Light's, and looked at the chain on his wrist as if noticing it for the first time.

"You know I can't do that, Light-kun." It came out as a plea, weak and quiet.

"Don't fuck with me, Ryuuzaki!" Light's voice held more than an edge of a threat.

"Light-kun…" L pleaded.

"No!" Light practically screamed, standing as far from L as the chain would allow. "Unlock us. Now! I only agreed to be chained to you to prove my innocence. I did not agree to _this_." He spat the words out with distaste. "That is not happening again!"

L looked at him innocently, seemly recovered from the shock he had displayed only moments before, his face replaced with his normal passive emotionless mask, "and why not? You obviously enjoyed it." He half gestured to Light's arousal.

Light stood frozen, teeth clenched, shaking in anger. He glared at the detective for a long moment, who had pulled the cell phone out of his pocket and was now checking the caller ID.

L looked back up, dismissing the seething anger radiating out of his suspect, "It's the task force," He stood up, "come, we are going to meet them downstairs, if they are calling this early, it must be important." L moved to the door, but paused turning to regard a seething Light with a second thought. "Light-kun _will _compose himself before we arrive."

And he did, but only on the surface. The well of emotions that threatened to tear him apart still surged through his body, tiredness not one of them. But the fact remained that Light Yagami, _was_ a good actor.


	3. Always Never the Same

Hi! I'm back, thankyou to those who reviewed and/or subscribed ^.^ You've earned a cookie

*gives you a cookie*

***WARNINGS***

This chapter has very mature adult content in it, as in yaoi, (boyxboy relations)

Disclaimer: Only Misa, (and Aizawa, cause he's a dick) would have died if I owned Deathnote.

* * *

**Always Never the Same**

It hadn't been important, at least not compared to the – now- twenty hours of sleep deprivation.

Matsuda had thought he'd found a lead. Well really, he had just turned on the tv at a ridiculous hour and found a news report of a man claiming to be Kira. However, had the idiot watched the news report to the end he would have discovered that the man had just lost at a drinking game. His dare of course, was to see how many Kira followers he could convince that he was the real thing. However, a drunk, half-naked teenager does not come off very convincing at all. All in all, it was a waste of time.

Light laid on his side of the bed, his back turned to L, as much as he hated leaving himself unguarded like that, he just couldn't look at, "The Worlds Three Greatest Detectives" now, not after that same detective had... had... He buried his face in his pillow.

It was quiet, abnormally so, he was surprised that L hadn't said anything since they left the task force. Actually he hadn't said anything when they were with the task force either. He would have assumed that the detective had been as surprised at his actions as Light had been, but L seemed to have gotten over it, which was more than could be said about Light.

Light lifted his head a few inches off the pillow and looked in the general direction the chain went. His eyes widened slightly when he saw L sitting at the end of their canopy bed, his back to him. Not just sitting, sitting _normally, _feet on the floor and everything. He just sat there and stared at his hands that rested in his lap.

Light narrowed his eyes, his shock replaced with anger. He didn't care what L did, as long as the detective stayed the hell away from him. However, it seemed L knew it was an unfixable situation as well.

"Light-kun." L said suddenly, he was still looking at his hands.

Light was silent.

L turned to look over his shoulder.

"You're staring at me again." He said emotionlessly.

Light gave him a haughty look, "Oh and I suppose that means I am _fascinated _with you, huh Ryuuzaki?"

L said nothing.

"When, really, it's _you _fascinated with _me." _Light continued.

L consulted the ceiling, "yes, it would seem so." His gaze slid back to Light's, "However, that does not make my statement untrue."

"Fuck your statements." Light bit back venomously.

"Light-kun, that was very unkind."

"You're an adult, I'm sure you can handle it." His glare would have rendered any other person speechless, but L shook it off like it was nothing, and moved more onto the bed crawling on his hands and knees like an animal. He looked up at Light, they were now only a few feet apart.

"I could say the same about you, Light-kun." L's ebony eyes looked deep into his, the insomniac's pale skin a stark contrast against them, even more to the contrast was his wild, messy ebony hair. He really did look like an animal.

L was smiling, cruelly even, if that was possible for him.

Light felt uncontrollable anger suddenly, something that burned him with hatred to his core. He was _sick _of always being near L, he was _sick _of being L's 'toy,' he was _sick _of never having a moment to himself, never being able to get the sleep he needed.

He was so tired, his mind had been assaulted all day, and now to have to deal with _this. _He couldn't think anymore, so he didn't think. He sat up and clenched his hand into a fist bringing it up to hit L straight in the face.

But something happened before he contacted. Maybe it was that his mind had fled into the shadows of his consciousness, or his overall exhaustion had taken over, or maybe it was something even _deeper. _Something his understanding would be unable to grasp. Forever even.

But his fist uncurled from its clenched position, and grabbed onto L's shirt, dragging the detective violently in one vicious movement...

To press him, with undeniable certainty, to his own lips.

Reality meant nothing all of a sudden, everything twisted and went point blank.

The only thing that existed at this moment was the desire that was very quickly spiralling out of control. L complied willingly, and their lips locked in an aggressive way, passion overrated; their need was born of a fight, not love.

L moved upward, bringing Light with him, so they both were on their knees. L's hands interwoven in Light's black tailored shirt, while Light's right hand grasped at the white material, his other hand weaving its way into L's ebony hair.

Ebony against ivory

Day against Night

Evil against Good

It was perfection.

Light pressed his lips against L's more feverishly, the other opening his mouth to allow Light's tongue to slip through the passage. Light met L's tongue with his own and petted it roughly causing tremors of pleasure to race down their spines.

L pulled back slightly to pull and bite hard at Light's bottom lip, hard enough to make Light gasp and possibly draw blood. Surely enough the metallic liquid made a slow lazy path down Light's chin, he darted his tongue out of his mouth and lapped gently at the liquid on his bottom lip, before claiming L's mouth again.

L suddenly went very still.

"Light-kun... we... cant..." he panted, trying to catch his breath and break away from the kiss at the same time.

Light was past thinking, for his hand suddenly loosened from the white material he had been gripping, and shot down to grab L roughly at his crotch. He could feel how hard he was, just begging to spring forth, escape from his denim prison.

The sudden touch caused L to gasp loudly, then moan immediately after. His breathing increased and his hands dug more roughly into Light's shirt, nails pressing painfully into the younger boy's upper arms.

"Say that again." Light dared, and roughly began to massage the area.

L arched his back, "Hn... god... Light...kun..."

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?" Light teased, his lips lowered to caress the tender skin at L's neck, causing the other to arch more forcibly into him.

"Don't...don't call me... that." He panted

"No? Why not?" Light's teeth grazed against his collar bone. L trembled.

"Call... me... L," he lifted a hand from Light's shirt and, using a thumb and forefinger, brought his face up so it was level with his, "tonight, please... just call me L."

Light's hand moved from L's hardness to his hip. He smirked, "Resorting to a different alias doesn't make me not a suspect, and you not a detective."

"It isn't an alias." L said, automatically, truth in every word, his ebony orbs watching Light's russet ones.

Whether the revelation of the secret had been on purpose or simply a mistake from the dangerous situation they were caught up in, Light didn't know. But he didn't care. He wasn't Kira, so he had no use for L's name.

He captured L's lips in his, causing his own to bleed again from the intense pressure, L froze up, for the second time, and tried to break the kiss. Light pulled away a surprised smirk on his face, "What? Don't like blood?"

Which wouldn't be a shocking revelation as one; most people didn't and, two; blood was nothing like sugar. Blood tasted of metal and sweat and bitterness, sugar was none of those things.

L shook his head. "No. it isn't that…" but he didn't get to finish, for Light pushed L violently to the bed, he didn't really care about his answer.

His mind was still fuzzy, thankfully, for there was no room for logic or reason here. It would destroy everything.

Light straddled L the same way he had straddled him earlier, and roughly unbuttoned his shirt, he ripped it at his wrist where the cuff caught, and tossed it to the floor.

He couldn't help but stare as he noticed L's broad shoulders, his upper body built more like Light himself; slim, taunt stomach, and abs clearly showing.

L smirked, "You seem surprised, Light-kun." L cocked his head to the side.

He _was _surprised, he couldn't believe that L had hid his physic so well, couldn't believe the _power _that radiated from his body. All he could do was press his hands against L's hard chest and slowly move them down, so he could feel every contour.

"I am," he admitted, "I mean… your…your…" he trailed off.

"Yeah," L answered him, "I know."

The implement didn't come across as cocky or self pleased, it came out weighted and tired sounding, as if Light had come across a horrible scar or something.

It was maddening to the senses, and hot to the touch. He couldn't stop himself from bringing his lips and making a trail of hot kisses down his stomach. It made L quiver with need, his hips bucked rather forcefully against Light, who bit his lip and briefly shut his eyes. Overwhelmed by the flood of pleasure that wracked through his body, and L hadn't even touched him yet.

The very thought caused him to harden more, if that was possible. He thought he might burst from all the pressure, sweat beaded on his forehead.

L felt Light's need, and began to hastily tear at his shirt, ripping the sleeve the same way he had L's.

L pulled Light down on top of him, bringing their bodies together. Light trembled, he had never been in a situation like this, a situation where he felt so out of control.

In a seemingly effortless motion, L flipped them, so he was on top. He rose before Light, and kept eye contact with him as he first undid Light's buckle, then the button, and the zipper. Light kept eye contact the whole time, his eyes wide. His body trembled with need, he desperately wished L would hurry up.

Making him stop didn't even cross his mind, for he really didn't have one right now, and if he did it certainly was not his right one. It seemed a cruel twist of fate that the moment he should need it the most, it should abandon him.

L had his pants down to his knees, and slipped them off, throwing them on the ground and going straight for Light's black silk, boxers. He gripped the waist band firmly and pulled them down in one quick motion.

Light's hard-on throbbed at the sudden exposure to air. L hesitated, then took him in his hands, and Light tensed against the bed, gripping desperately at the bed sheets. It was too much! He couldn't handle the blinding pleasure. The feel of L's hands on him. The way L was looking at him right now.

"God... L..." his breaths came in low shallow gasps.

L lowered his head, and his pink tongue darted to his tip, he barely grazed it, but Light thought he was going mad.

L brought his head back up, "you want this Light?" honorary forgotten.

"Yes." He breathed, "please, L……"

L nodded, and lowered his head again, this time taking Light fully into his mouth.

"Nyug…. Ahhh…." Light cried, he was blinded by the pleasure, the electric shocks tearing through him with relentless haste. It _was _maddening and Light truly could not remember his name any more, he could not have formed any coherent thought, even if he had wanted to.

L's tongue darted again and again over the tip. He sucked it softly, dipping his head and forcing more of Light's length into his mouth. L's tongue tortured him, and his teeth grazed over the veins which pulsed with the beat of his heart.

Consequently he didn't last very long. He grit his teeth when he felt himself tighten, and tighten, and tighten, then suddenly explode outward, and ecstasy like he had ever experienced, surge forth. His vision was white. His ears heard nothing, not even the sound of his loudly beating heart.

* * *

L was beyond himself, experiencing something he didn't know existed. He had never shared anything close to sexual with anyone, and didn't think he ever would. But here he was, giving Light oral. His own length was threatening to tear itself out of its restrains, as he had done nothing about it.

He felt himself lost to the ecstasy, lost to the heated moans that poured from Light's mouth.

To say L wasn't experienced was an understatement, yet somehow, he knew exactly what to do. It was as if a dormant, primal, instinct had taken over. If that was the case, he wasn't about to use logic to put it at rest.

He never thought of himself as homosexual, he never thought of himself as anything really, and it surprised him that he was.

Taking a glance at the younger man, who seemed beside himself with pleasure, he surmised it probably came as more of a shock to Light, because he _had _been with girls. That, and he was seen as the perfect example of a perfect teenager.

He felt Light tighten, groan, and shutter as he came in L's mouth, L hadn't prepared himself for this part and as such much of it dripped down his chin.

He rose up, to quickly cover Light with his body, pinning him beneath him. If Light's reaction after they had kissed was taken into account, L would probably not live long after this.

But L was a step ahead, he shed his pants, and finally let his erection spring from its confined prison. He gasped at the sensation before taking in the younger boy beneath him. Light had his eyes closed and was breathing heavily, his hands fisted in the blankets.

L then positioned himself before Light's entrance. Before anything else happened, L kissed Light hard on the mouth, then clamped his hands down hard on Light's upper shoulders, to make sure Light was in no position to get the upper hand.

If Light was going to kill him after this, he at least wanted to know what it felt like.

Moistening himself with spit and semen, he gently pushed against Light's entrance. The ring of muscle hindered his movements, and it took quite a bit of force before it gave way and he was able to slightly push in.

It was incredibly uncomfortable as he pushed deeper inside him.

Light's eyes flew open and he cried out underneath him, "Hn... Ahh... God. What... what are... you doing?!"

L met Light's terrified gaze briefly, then brought his lips to the boy's neck trailing kisses until he reached his ear. "I apologize, I know this hurts, but I know you can handle it." He whispered softly, then met Light's eyes again.

Light's eyes were wide, and trained on the detective, his mouth slightly agape.

L dropped his eyes and pressed his lips against Light's, then pushed himself deep into the boy. Light cried out, and L cried out himself, it was painfully tight. He slowly pulled out again to push back in, more forcefully this time. Light's body tensed underneath him. "You... need... you need to relax." L panted, trying to set a rhythm.

Light ignored him and struggled against his weight, which didn't make any difference, as Light was drained and L was _much _stronger than he seemed. He held Light in place with stupid ease.

Light fought him, his breathy gasps barely audible, "Stop... Ugh... God... stop..."

L met the boy's eyes again, he knew he was hurting Light, but stopping now would only cause more pain later. So he continued, but tried to distract Light by claiming the boy's mouth in a heated kiss.

Suddenly the tightness subsided a bit, when he hit something that caused Light to cry out against his mouth. Pleasure tore through L, and he hit the spot again, causing Light's eyes to cloud over and another cry to escape him.

L bit his lip, and thrust back into the boy several more times. Light began tilting his hips to meet the detective, gasps and moans emitting from him in rapid succession.

L felt Light's arousal swell against his taunt stomach. "Light…" he managed to gasp. Sweat slicked over the two of them, their bodies smashing together every time L buried himself deep into the younger man beneath him.

"L…" Light cried out his name, his back arching again. He griped the detective's shoulders and dug his nails in the skin, which went unnoticed by L as he was staring intently at Light's half lidded chocolate eyes.

"God… stop… I'm … I…" His cries filled the air around them, and L groaned with pleasure when he felt the hard cock pressed against his stomach tremble and pulse. Light screamed his release and L felt the hot semen hit him, becoming part of the sweat that dripped down his body.

L suddenly felt as if he lost himself, with the animalistic need that rose in him. His vision blotted out, a searing white taking over. He relentlessly began pounding into Light when he felt his cock tighten. Waves of pleasure surged though his body, as his orgasm built to an excruciating high. Then with one final thrust, he spilled himself inside of Light.

And it was over.

He collapsed on top of his Kira suspect. His vision still a searing white, and his breath hard and fast, not giving any indication of ever slowing again.

Light trembled underneath him, his own breathing coming in jagged gasps.

Their hearts pressed against the other, each pounding and sounding incredibly in sync.

But logic couldn't stay away forever, it could go to the store for a quart of milk, but it still had to return sometime. Twice as strong, and twice as unforgiving.

* * *

Wow! That was an intense chapter to write ^.^

Oh, a few things; I _know _this may seem rushed, but believe me that's the point. Also, boring dialogue bores me, so there will be very little of it, as anything said is only to move the plot forward. Um, other than that, I am trying really hard to keep them in character, and yet at the same time twist them to fit in my plot. Please let me know how I'm doing.

If you review, I'll give you a cookie ^.^


	4. Vain Perfection

^.^ Thankyou soooooooooo much to those who reviewed!!! It made me insanely happy ^.^ and as promised, here is your cookie;

*gives you cookie*

Disclaimer: if I owned Death Note, there would have been much more than mere _hints _at yaoi. ^.^

***WARNINGS* **

This chapter contains LOTS of angst.

You have been warned....

* * *

**Vain Perfection**

Light's terrified eyes stared at the face of the sleeping detective beside him. A shutter ripped through the younger man's body, his arms clenched tight around his naked form as if he was cold. The truth was, his skin felt on fire, scorching the hands that were clamped painfully on his arms. He could still feel the painful throb in his lip where L had bitten him. He could feel the unnatural heat in the room, and the smell of sweat and blood and...

Dread shot down his spine and another shutter ripped through him. His mind was still clouded over, he felt permanently brain damaged, crazy, insane, mental, insecure...

_Terrified _

_Scared_

_Frightened_

His eyes were impossibly wide, and soft moans of horror slipped through his lips every now and then.

He had collapsed in bliss with L, had fallen practically unconscious, the detective drifting to sleep beside him. And it _had _been bliss, it had been the best sleep he'd ever had. Which was why he felt so insecure, and why he still stared in horror at the only witness to the mistake that should never have happened.

He wanted to blame L, yell, scream, _kill _him! But he couldn't, because a part of his mind –that he certainly wasn't acknowledging at the moment- said this was _his fault_.

"Ryuuzaki! Light!" A voice made itself heard on the other side of the door, followed by a steady set of knocking.

Light had half a mind to ignore the voice. On second thought, if he did, whoever that was, was going to come into the room and see them sleeping at the end of the bed, see the mess the blankets had become, and see their clothes haphazardly flung all over the room. Then of course, L was so close to Light, he could feel the warmth of the detective's skin against his own, and to top things off, the heavy scent of sex still clung to the air...

He didn't need _another _witness.

"What is it?" Light asked, his voice uncharacteristically breaking.

There was a pause.

"It's Matsuda..." Another pause, "...its... eleven... are you two coming to work today?"

Light inwardly groaned, and had to fight back the rising vertigo before answering him, "I... yes, we'll be there."

"Ok... Be quick ok? Everyone's kinda concerned..."

Light didn't reply to that, and upon a few moments of silence assumed the other had left.

Light looked at L, whose eyes were opened slightly, staring at Light with almost human emotion on his pale face. "Who was –"

"Nobody. Just get up." Light cut him off rudely, then turned away to grab his boxers in the mess of their clothes and pull them on under the covers.

He felt L staring at his back when he sat up.

"Light..."

His gaze shot to L, a terrifying emotion swirled in his nearly crimson eyes.

"Don't, just don't."

* * *

They arrived at the taskforce in record time for two reasons, one; Light didn't want to spend one more second alone with L, and two; L was freaking out over the time.

They didn't speak, even upon arriving at the HQ room. It made for an incredibly awkward elevator ride, but talking wouldn't have necessarily changed that.

Light sat down at his computer, ignoring everyone in the room as they all had given them concerned glances upon their arrival.

The day was awkward and tension hung in the room between everyone by the end of the day. Which made it odd that it took four hours before someone did something about it.

Soichiro Yagami cleared his throat, getting the attention of the task force.

Light kept his gaze on the screen, even when the heavy steps of his dad approached his desk.

"Light."

Light subconsciously tensed his jaw and hardened his eyes.

"What?" he hated the way his voice sounded so weak.

"Look at me Light." His father commanded.

Light did so, swivelling his chair to face him, question repeated; "What?"

The chief lowered his voice so only Light could hear, "Look, if there's something going on that concerns me, I have a right to know."

"It doesn't concern you." Light answered back automatically, regretting immediately that he didn't just put on a happy smile charade and deny everything. His acting ability had a limit it seemed.

His father regarded him with a serious face, his gaze suddenly moving past him to look at _L._ Light hadn't looked at him all day, and was reluctant to do so now. But upon seeing his father's lips tighten into a white line, he did let his gaze drift _slowly_ to the man he _hated _so much.

He was sitting in an unusual position, unusual for _him _anyway. His feet were on the floor, elbows perched on his legs and head in his hands. Light felt a well of anger and horror stir inside him. How _dare _he betray Light this way? What the hell was he thinking acting so out of character?!? He might as well have had a sign on him that read, 'WE HAD SEX,' or something to that terrifying degree.

Of course it was unlikely that anyone would immediately resort to that conclusion, Light had to remind himself. However the fact was blindingly obvious to him, and upon seeing his father's face pale as he looked at L then at Light then at L again, it must have seemed blindingly obvious to him too.

At that instant, something inside of Light died. His soul perhaps, maybe his pride, even his respect, but Light felt a sickening realization that it was his reputation he really cared about. The one he had worked so hard on, getting perfect grades, being the best at everything, earning the title of an athlete, heart throb, and of course; genius.

He noticed L had stood and was standing in front of Soichiro, his emotionless mask set in place. "Yagami-san," He said addressing the older man in front of him, "please take the task force and go home early today."

Soichiro opened his mouth and it looked as if he was going to put up a fight. But then he seemed to have second thoughts for he closed it again and nodded, his narrowed, _accusing_ eyes still trained on Light.

L didn't say anything after that, didn't offer an explanation, not even a _lie. _Even at a time like this it was still beyond the insomniac to explain himself, Light realized in disgust.

The Chief of Police led everyone out without a word or a glance back.

At the sound of the double doors closing, from far below. L and Light were alone again.

"You could have lied." Light hissed venomously, the first thing he had said to L all day.

L shook his head, "No, there would have been no point."

Light looked furious for a moment about to say something until L pointed to his neck, "You have dark bruises on your neck, Light-kun. I apologize for not noticing them this morning."

If Light had needed anything else to destroy him completely, that would have been it, for _everyone _knew that Light was _only _ever alone with L.

* * *

L led a silent Light up to their shared quarters. He knew better than to say anything, so he didn't, instead pretending to look interested at the carpet design in the elevator. The ride was painfully long and L was angry at himself for making the building so damned high. There were only 3 floors being used at the moment; theirs, the task force HQ, and Watari's. that left 21 floors completely vacant and _useless_. He blamed Watari for giving him and Light the room on the absolute highest possible floor.

He was thankful when the elevator finally chimed and the doors slid open. Although even the hallway seemed unnecessarily long.

Upon reaching their room, L realized, in their hurry had left the door unlocked and _open. _Kindly displaying a _terrifying _mess of bed covers, sheets, and yesterday's clothes.

He walked into the room but stopped on noticing that the chain had pulled taunt between them. Wearily he turned back to look at Light, who had his dead gaze focused on the bed.

L sighed, "Nothing is going to happen." He nearly whispered.

Light didn't look at him as he proceeded cautiously into the room, as if L would jump on him the second he passed through the door.

Light held out his handcuffed wrist to L expectantly.

"What is it Light-kun?" L's voice did come out as a whisper this time.

"I am going to have a shower." His voice dead and monotone, "You are going to unlock us while I do."

It wasn't a request.

L stared wordlessly at him, about to deny his order. Although he knew logically that Light couldn't escape, not in a windowless room hundreds of feet up. Also, L could ask Watari to turn the camera's in their bathroom back on…

He slipped the key out of his back pocket, and held it cautiously between his forefinger and thumb, holding it in front of his eyes. L pushed back the thought his mind threw at him that it was stupid to unlock a suspect at their demand.

But, then...

He wasn't _just_ a suspect anymore...

* * *

The insomniac wordlessly grasped Light's wrist, he tensed at his alien _familiar _touch, but didn't pull away. Half of him was shocked that L was actually doing this, the other half however knew he would've torn L apart if he hadn't.

Alone finally and locked in the bathroom, Light shed his clothes. Turning the shower on, he didn't even wait for the water to heat up before stepping into it.

He hissed in discomfort as freezing water hit his warm skin, causing a painful uncomfortable ache. Sadistic as it might have been, he let it, enjoying the numbness it caused every cell in his body. It hurt, but he endured it, because as his muscles tensed in agony, his mind was entirely focused on his discomfort and not at all focused on _L._

However it didn't last long, and the aching rapidly went away, replaced with a warmth that was ecstatic, almost like when L had…

His brain froze in its tracks and he felt the desolation well up in him again. Not only at the remembrance of the memory, but at how he related it to _ecstasy._

He shut the water off hastily and it was only then he realized chocked sobs were escaping his body, and hot tears were running down his face. His throat felt tight and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel securely around his waist.

He looked up.

His eyes met his mirror image.

Dark bruises left by L's mouth tainted his perfect flesh.

The warm water hadn't been running for more than a few seconds and because of that, the mirror had not yet fogged over. Therefore it showed every detail of the broken boy, showed his broken eyes, broken body, broken reputation.

It showed who he used to be and it showed who he was now:

A suspect who had slept with his detective.

A man who had slept with another man.

Not just any man, L… he had slept with L.

He had, had sex with L.

It hit him then, harder than he imagined anything could. Especially since he thought it already _had _hit him, but that was just the numb stage, that was the _first_stage.

His pain turned into rage, unfathomable rage that tore him apart just as the tears tore from his eyes. He couldn't look at himself, couldn't look at the body that had betrayed him, and so _easily _too.

He snapped and his fist connected with the mirror. It cracked under the pressure, fissures running away in rapid succession from his fist. It split like lightening and for a moment there were thousands of Light, thousands of broken reputation, broken eyes, broken body, broken _soul._

But the pressure proved too strong for it, and as such, could only stay encased in its framed prison for a moment. However long that moment seemed to be.

In a blinding burst, it shattered.

Tiny Light's rained down across the sink and counter and floor. Scattering in a thousand soft _tings. _Each casting a reflection of its own against the opposite wall.

Blood dripped from Light's clenched fist in a slow steady rhythm. He gasped at the pain, at the feeling of glass shards embedded in his hand. He brought it to eye level, tiny sparkles caught his eye.

He looked away, looked to what lay beyond the broken mirror. His unhurt hand grabbed the first bottle of medication he saw, he didn't know what it was, and he didn't care.

He downed it, bitter liquid flowed down his throat, and made him gag reflexively. He dropped the empty bottle from his hand and didn't even hear it hit the floor, his entire attention already focused on something else.

Another tiny image of him lay on the counter, a tiny image of what he had become, a tiny _witness. _

Light grasped the shard in his bloody hand, ignoring the painful burn, as he ignored the burn in his stomach.

_Witness this_

It was a quick mindless thing, a means to an end because he had ruined his beginning.

He slit his wrist.

* * *

"Light-kun, open the door!" L said for the hundredth time his fist impacting the hard wood again and again.

There was nothing but the faded echoes of chimes.

"Light kun..." he stared at it in frustration, there was a skeleton key but it was with Watari and he wanted in _now. _

He gave in and grabbed his cell, pressed speed dial, and held it in his particular way to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Watari!" He cried in desperation, switching back to English out of habit.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I... I need the skeleton key!" he gasped, his dark eyes stared in panic at the inconvenient block between him and Light.

"Understood, I will bring it right up."

L snapped his phone shut, and tossed it onto the floor roughly. His attention turned back to the locked door. He rattled the handle anyway, and grit his teeth when it didn't give way under his smouldering gaze. He was frustrated with himself for the fifth time that day; third, for letting Light go in the first place, fourth, for _not _turning on the camera, and fifth for not putting emergency locks on all the bathroom doors.

He sunk down to the floor, hand still clenched around the door handle, and head resting against the cold wood.

The sound had been horrible, not the sudden crash of a mirror shattering, but what happened before that; Light crying in _anguish. _

Anguish that he caused.

Sure, his mind felt shattered and numb and confused at the sudden relationship between the two, but there was something else there that he didn't know could exist, basically, well, it had never existed for him.

And then, he was suddenly caught up in two other equally strong emotions; _hate, _and _pain. _

Even though there was nothing physical about the pain, he still _hurt, _the deep loathing the other seemed to have taken to him was incredibly painful when it had no right to be. He was L; The World's Three Greatest Detectives.

But it seemed he had unconsciously taken another title to his name;

L; In love with Kira suspect, Light Yagami.

* * *

Watari burst into the room, L just held out his hand, eyes still trained on the door. He felt the heated metal press into his palm, and he hastily unlocked the door.

It swung open.

He couldn't make out the scene he saw before him, he couldn't process the information fast enough... mainly because he didn't want to.

The first thing he saw were the glass shards, sharp and sparkling, scattered everywhere like freshly fallen snow.

The next thing he saw was the crumpled body on the ground, and the dark red coating that covered it.

"Light!!!!" L screamed out his name, "Oh god Light!"

Glass cut his bare feet as he ran to the pale form on the floor, he knelt before the younger boy, his hands trembled as they gently grasped Light's pale ethereal face.

He heard Watari gasp behind him, and the sound of buttons being dialled.

His mind was racing and his body wasn't responding the way he wanted it to, his eyes wide and his lips quivering. He grasped Lights bloodied hand and shards transferred into his own as he wiped away the blood, the cuts weren't that bad, but...

A chocked sob escaped his throat as his eyes fell upon Light's slit wrist.

"Light..." he gasped.

L's eyes teared up without warning, and warm silent tears fell down his cheeks. It felt so alien, he had no recollection of ever crying.

L grasped Light's wrist, and clutched it to his white shirt, the warmth seeping into him barely registered compared to the scent that burned his mind, and taunted his inner psych with so many memories.

Tears dripped onto Light's bleeding hand, the salty liquid cut through creating rivuleting paths of their own. L's heart squeezed painfully in his chest, a vice grip getting tighter and tighter. He trembled uncontrollably, his stomach was in knots and vertigo swarmed before his eyes.

He couldn't breathe, or think, or move.

The only thing that was moving was the blood, metallic crimson flowing in beat with Light's heart.

_Heart _

L's hand clamped down stifling the flow, then he leaned down to press his ear to Light's chest.

It was quiet, and painfully slow, but it was still there, it was still beating.

Silent tears still traced paths down his cheeks to fall to the boy beneath him, tears that had been held captive behind his emotionless mask for so many years.

He curled in tighter to Light's chest, and closed his eyes. He had to hear it, he had to have proof that the boy beneath him was alive. He half-smiled, because he wasn't to late.

But the small moment where his anguish had been overshadowed by relief was short lived, and it seemed his mask was only made of glass, because it shattered completely in one heart breaking moment, when he realized;

Light Yagami didn't _want _to be alive.


	5. Darkness in Tears

Wow! this story is getting more popular ^.^ thanks again to all my reviewers! this time you have earned a Twinkie!

*TWINKIES FOR ALL!!!*

(–.– yes that is from Foamy. What is Foamy? ^.^ a squirrel!)

another completely unimportant note: did you know they have _banana _flavoured Twinkies in the states!!!!? (I'm from Canada... we just have regular flavoured Twinkies T_T)

Disclaimer: The contents of this publication reflect the opinion of the author only. This publication is for informational and or interest purposes only. Opinions and information in this publication should not lead the reader to believe that A: this author owns Deathnote and B: this author made up this disclaimer, as it was indeed stolen from some medical site. Due to the contents of this publication readers should take caution and or refrain from reading it.

*WARNINGS*

nothing too serious this chapter, although I do apologize for the length. This chapter would have been close to 20 pages had I uploaded the original... needless to say, the next chapter will be **much** longer I can assure you ^.^

* * *

**Darkness in Tears**

L felt hands on his shoulders pulling him off of Light, he let out a cry that sounded like a wounded animal and turned broken eyes to the culprits.

"Please, we need you to move, so we can treat him." A man's voice said, his hair matched L's, and he wore a blue shirt with a badge that read; Paramedic.

L stubbornly shook his head.

"L, move now!" Watari's voice bellowed, it was very rare of him to raise his voice and L was temporarily stunned by the sound. The distraction let the other paramedic pull him fully off the young boy's body and move him to the side.

"Save him..." L pleaded.

"We'll do everything we can." The second paramedic, with blonde hair, routinely said.

They got to work immediately, equipment was pulled out and lain on the floor with precise position, each piece glowed silver and reflected the ebony orbs of the detective. The first paramedic methodically checked for signs of a pulse, while the other set his attention to Light's wrist and hand. Bandages and gauze were picked up and wrapped to secure the bleeding, as needles were injected and tubes attached.

L watched the scene behind shadowed eyes, his hair more a mess than its usual disarray.

"His chances look good." The paramedic with the black hair commented, while setting up the stretcher.

"Wait, look at this." The blonde one said in a near whisper.

There was a terrible silence that hung in the air when the first paramedic left the stretcher to check out the problem his co-worker pointed out.

There were whispered words exchanged, and L strained to hear what they were saying to each other. The attention of their conversation was held in the blonde paramedic's gloved hand, but angled just out of sight. However it was flashed into his view momentarily and slipped into a plastic bag. L had only a second to read the bottle's label, but a second was enough.

Codeine

* * *

Light was loaded into the back of the ambulance, the black haired paramedic climbed in after him. L went to climb in as well, but was stopped by someone.

He turned and saw Soichiro Yagami glaring at him with eyes that burned hatred. L pulled his arm from his grip and turned back to the ambulance whose doors had just closed, "No! Light-kun!"

"What have you done!" The leading officer of the police force commanded in a deep grating voice.

L's eyes widened slightly at the accusation. "I... I didn't do anything!"

"Then why is my son in an ambulance!?"

L ignored his question and looked past him to see that the entire taskforce had gathered. They all stood staring in L's direction their face's twisted with confusion and concern. L looked for Watari, upon spotting him with the blonde paramedic he approached him, aware that he was being followed by Chief Yagami.

"You called the taskforce" L accused him.

Watari gave him his usual emotionless face. "It would be highly unprofessional of me not to." He claimed brushing L off and turned back to the paramedic who was asking him for details.

L grit his teeth, his patience worn thin.

"L," Chief Yagami said, slightly more calm this time. "What happened?"

The detective looked to the ground and scuffed his bare foot across the pavement which proved to be a horrible idea as small glass shards cut deeper into them. He cringed in pain.

"I think Light was depressed and he – "

"Why was he depressed?" the Chief interjected.

"I don't know." L lied.

"Yes you do." His voice held the edge of a threat.

L sighed, eyes still trained on his painfully throbbing feet, "It seems that Light-kun and I... have gotten... quite close."

"Close as in..." Yagami let the rest trail off, but his tone held an indication that he knew very well what L referred to.

"Yes."

Yagami suddenly turned on his heal and walked away, leaving the detective trained on his now bleeding feet.

* * *

"Stay out of the way!" The paramedic ordered roughly pushing L out of the way on their rush to emergency. L stood in the hallway, his heart beating uneven and rapid, his stomach was clenched in guilt and his breathing was so shallow it might as well have stopped.

He stood there in isolation realizing with absolute certainty just how alone he would be -and had been- without Light. Time blurred into nothing around him, the rush becoming distant background noise, he was so far removed from reality.

L held on to false hope that Light would be ok. He hated his genius mind at the moment that tore through his delusions with calculated percentages. The numbers were clearly displayed for him to read: there was a 94% chance that Light wouldn't make it. For how could he? He had drunk a bottle of pure liquid codeine and then deeply slit his wrist. But then his delusional mind told him the EMS had gotten there in time to stop the bleeding. But... but... that just wasn't enough, that much medication would cause respiratory depression, and the chances of his heart giving out were significant. He wished -but he knew- that not even Light Yagami, could survive this.

L seemed to come back to life on that thought, and bolted through the emergency center. If this was really it, he couldn't stand just waiting. There had to be something, _something_ he could do.

He burst into the room that held Light, and at first the scene was confusing, but his eyes adjusted and everything came into horrifying focus. There were at least ten doctors in the room. They were crowding around the unconscious boy on the table, each attentive to different parts. Their voices were talking in rapid succession, whispering orders L couldn't understand a word of.

But then the heart monitor started beeping and flashing, the doctors all froze momentarily to stare at it.

It had flat lined.

A second later he saw the defibrillators, and then they were whispering more orders, harsher this time, as they prepared Light for the electricity.

There was a nurse intently focused on his wrist, checking it thoroughly for glass shards even when the doctor yelled 'clear' before sending a thousand volts of electricity into his chest.

The ECG machine stopped beeping and spikes could be seen rising, signalling a pulse. The doctor with the defibrillator sighed in relief putting them back, and returning to check the clear and red fluid that was dripping into Light's veins.

L realized he hadn't moved from his position at the door -hands on either side of the frame- mouth agape and eyes wide. He didn't know what he was feeling, mainly because he had never felt such fear in his life.

Suddenly the ECG flat lined again and L felt his pulse rise into his throat. He tried to swallow but found himself momentarily incapable of even that simple act. He resisted the urge to shut his eyes, which he knew would record this moment in his mind forever.

L's breathing stopped suddenly when his perfect internal clock signalled that Light had been clinically dead for one minute. No one had noticed that L was even there, no one had taken their eyes off Light or the ECG for a second. He could see how hard they were working, and he knew they were doing their best, but L was uncharacteristically angry at them, this was Light, Light couldn't die!

The ECG ceased its alarm once more and Light stabilized, but only for a few seconds before it flat lined again. "No good! We need the cardiopulmonary bypass pump!" a doctor hissed insistently.

"There are none! Everything we have is working on Kira victims."

Had L been thinking clearly he would have seen the sickening irony of the situation, but fortunately he was unfocused and frozen, his wide ebony eyes unblinking and glazed.

"You!" L snapped his attention to the doctor speaking, but realized it still wasn't to him, but instead at a nurse watching the ECG monitor. "Go find one!"

The nurse hesitated, her eyes slid to the doctor, "But—"

"I don't care! Now!" The nurse nodded and rushed for the door, brushing past L on her way out but not even looking at him. After that everything slowed to inch by in agonizing seconds.

Light's heart started again.

Defibrillator

"Clear!"

_Jolt_

"Clear!"

_Jolt_

His heart started.

Only to fail.

L lost track of time, he lost track of his mind and body too. The nurse rushed in pushing a large machine. The lead doctor looked relieved before setting it up in a blur of hurried movements. After that everything calmed, but only because the doctors had found a temporary solution, Light wasn't okay yet. His heart was too weak to beat by itself.


	6. Alone Together

^.^ kay, got this up as soon as I could... and btw this chapter is much longer to make up for last chapter.

Thankyou soooooooo much to all my reviewers/subscribers ^.^

and ...

Disclaimer: I don't own Deathnote. (haha, too tired to think of anything clever ^.^)

* * *

**Alone Together**

There were shadows, and splashes of muted light. Then there was darkness and the feeling of drowning. Everything swirled and twisted just beyond consciousness. Nothing made sense but then there was nothing to make sense of.

Anything was better than this.

Still there was an echoing in the void, sound? Light wasn't sure, but his mind reached out and sought the only escape from a world bathed in shadows. From a world with no direction.

His eyes opened.

He was blinded by the intensity and it took quite awhile to adjust to the glaring brightness of the new images.

There was a round glowing orb above him, and around that a flat expanse of white. His head throbbed and he wished for the darkness of the shadowy world, hating how this new one pierced into him. This was worse. Maybe nothing was better.

He turned his head, and his eyes took in a crumpled form, almost folded in on itself. He saw colors but couldn't place them. All his mind could grasp was the sound emitting from it. It sounded painful, he wanted to reach out to it, comfort it, but he didn't know how to.

Instead he shut his eyes and willed this new bright world away, willed his consciousness to slip back into that shadowy haven. But nothing had gone his way and it still wasn't going to, for when he closed his eyes, images flooded them. Images upon images sprang forth and he felt himself overwhelmed with the colors and painful stimulation. But then, finally, the last image clicked into place, and he saw them all for what they were;

Memories.

His eyes opened again and he turned back to the form curled up in the chair. Ebony and Ivory.

He stifled a gasp when the picture of what he was seeing fit with a picture in his memories.

_L_

The named form's shoulders shook as if he were laughing and there that sound was again, but this time Light recognized it, and couldn't believe his ears when he did;

L was crying.

He couldn't believe it, yet even when he shut his eyes and opened them again the image stayed the same.

The detectives' knees pulled up to his chest, his head buried in his hands, black hair falling to shield his face, and sobs wracking his body.

Light didn't know what to do, he had never seen the detective so defenceless, had never seen him so _human._

His heart gave a painful squeeze and he wished he could take L in his arms and hold him, tell him everything would be alright, _make _everything alright, because the pain that was radiating from that body he knew too well.

He felt so comfortable around L, and felt kind of safe under his constant security. And while sometimes the detective and his idiosyncrasies were annoying, they were quickly getting familiar. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew he would miss L if he ever left.

His breath caught in his throat. No, he definitely wanted to keep him around.

And that was why seeing such a strong man so broken was causing unwelcome feelings to register inside of Light. But this time, instead of over reacting, he muted his emotional response and looked at the situation rationally.

There were so many implications to consider. He slowly let out a silent breath and went over them in his mind.

First, there was a chance he might be Kira, while a very _small _chance in his mind, it was still there, and still vastly important. However, he supposed it didn't make any difference, he had come to the conclusion long ago that if he really _was _Kira it would ruin everything regardless of any existing relationships.

Then there was his father. He owed everything to the man, as he had taught Light everything he knew and perhaps was the mould of his perfect image. He had forced Light to study, forced Light to be the best at everything, and showed Light the importance of real success, not just the attempt. The idea of being 'forced' didn't sit too well with Light for many years, until he began to see his own impossible results.

Yet, ever since Light had reached high school he knew there was something about himself that was _fake_, but no matter what he did he couldn't figure it out. He never cheated, his grades were real. He didn't dye his hair or do anything absurd, like plastic surgery, to alter his appearance. He was physically fit and had won many awards because of his athletic ability.

But then when it came to girls and dating, he sometimes did feel like he was putting on an act, (which he also excelled at) going through the motions just to satisfy anyone watching. Not the specific girl however, he had never cared too much about the individuals. However, he had long ago brushed that away as something that would come with age. Not everyone was into dating, in fact, the idea of a relationship would scare almost all high school boys.

So given the facts, he could easily classify his actions as normal, however, he was tired of lying to himself. And with that decision, finally admitted to himself that he did pay undue attention in literature, where his professor just happened to be an undeniably attractive man.

Then what did this mean? That maybe L hadn't "turned" him, just caused him to accept... Or remember - he suppose would be a better term - his true sexuality?

He felt a hundreds of conflicting thoughts wash through him. He wished he had more time to think things through, but L wouldn't wait forever. _Would_ L leave him now?

The thought caused his pulse to rapidly rise into his throat and his breath hitched. _Okay, that proves it. _He thought begrudgingly, _if I can't even _think _about him leaving me... then... that must mean..._

At that moment he forgot how wrong their situation was, forgot how frowned upon the societies eye would take to it. Forgot about reputation, and pride and the world. He forgot, not because he couldn't remember, but because he didn't care.

In his mind, a barrier that was blocking something important fell away, and left the truth there for Light to read, the truth that he had denied, made himself forget, _hurt _himself to forget. But here it was, and Light had the choice to turn from it and deny it, shut it away and lock it up. But did he want to be alone again?

_I..._

_I love him._

He thought he would feel guilt and humiliation with the silent confession, but he didn't, instead he was flooded with relief. It felt so good to be loved by someone who was such a perfect match; physically and intellectually. But he had no idea how good it would feel to love someone back for once.

And for the world? Well it could go fuck itself.

* * *

Light sat up, and noticed the IV lines attached to himself. His stomach hurt and he noticed he was clothed in a hospital gown. Steady beeps went off every second or so and he noticed the cardiogram to his left. Solid proof that he was alive, when he in no right should have been. After what he had done, L would've had to get him help within _minutes, _he couldn't imagine how the paramedic team had gotten to him so fast.

He looked down to his bandaged wrist, he fought the urge to take it off and check the damage, instead focusing his attention on L, whose body still shook even though his cries had fallen silent.

He was sitting mere feet from Light, close, but far enough that Light had to sit up. Upon doing so, his right hand gently pushed some of the black ebony locks from L's face. This caused the other to look up in shock.

Their eyes locked.

Light felt a painful twist in his already sore stomach at the emotion in those eyes. They shone with such pain that Light had to tear his eyes away.

"I... I'm sorry." Light stuttered, his voice coming out in a whisper from unuse.

L didn't say anything.

Light fell silent too, words couldn't fix this situation.

The sound of a door opened and a doctor came in, his eyes on a clipboard. "Ah! good to see you awake, however, now..." The doctor looked to L, "...we have something we have to discuss."

L nodded and went to stand, but Light held out his hand, forcing the other to pause. "No, he can stay." The doctor nodded, not too concerned and sat on the edge of Light's bed, next to him.

"Okay," The doctor took one last glance at his notes then set them aside.

"This is a tough situation, as I'm sure you're aware." Light stared at him, and he continued, "Now, there are not very many options at this point I'm afraid..." he trailed off, checking to see that Light was listening.

"Options?"

"Well, yes," he gestured to his clipboard beside him. "You were brought in here on emergency from self afflicted injury." He said, "While we were able to bring you back, there is the fact that you may try it again."

"You want to put me in a mental institution." Light stated blandly.

"We like to call it a hospital" The doctor replied.

"Absolutely not!" L whispered harshly, jumping to his feet in the process. Light subconsciously bit his lip noticing they were bandaged.

The doctor didn't give any indication that he had heard L, or didn't care, for he continued to talk to Light as if he were uninterrupted.

"We know you are eighteen and as such have no right to force you, however, what you did is an offense in this country, and could warrant a jail term."

"He's already _on _a jail term!" L interrupted again, this time the doctor did at least look at him.

"I'm afraid I don't understand." The doctor said, looking back to his notes and flipping through them.

Without a word L walked out of the room, leaving two very shocked men.

It was only moments later before L came back in the room, with a very angry Soichiro Yagami, following him.

The doctor rose at the Chief of Police's entrance. "May I talk to you in private please?" The officer commanded, gesturing to the door. The doctor nodded politely and followed him out, leaving L and Light alone in the room.

* * *

L didn't say anything, he couldn't even bring himself to look Light in the eyes again. It wasn't supposed to be like this, and while he didn't know exactly _what _it was supposed to be like, he knew it wasn't this.

Light had been unconscious for three days and L had sat stoically the whole time, hardly moving, but definitely not _crying._ Why did Light have to wake up the moment he broke!? He was angry with himself _for _breaking, this was the second time Light did that to him. Of course, L reminded himself, they were both because of the same incident.

It felt weird to feel human, it felt weird to feel anything. He curled into himself more, and wished Light would stop looking at him with those; 'I'm-sorry-your-love-made-me-want-to-kill-myself' eyes. It hurt more than an outright 'I hate you.' He could've handled that, he was used to it.

But he couldn't handle this, so he didn't. He got up, and without saying a word, left the room.

The halls were full of nurses and doctors, which made sense as they _were _in a hospital, but they looked out of place, like they should be working in laboratories. L had never been to a hospital before.

He had never really been anywhere, not after his parents had died. He supposed that was mainly his fault, locking himself in Wammy's house and refusing to have any kind of social life. He guessed things just changed after his parents' death all those years ago. He knew there were many blanks in his memories of that time, but Watari had said that was normal after being through something so traumatic.

But there was one thing he would never forget… even if he had figured out how to depress it.

He put his hands in his pocket, and stared at his bandaged feet as he walked through the halls, but then heard angry voices and stopped.

"LOOK! This is _out_ of the question!!!" an angry male voice objected.

"We, realize your views but it's just that—"

"No! these are not just my views, this is an investigation and Light is a key _suspect."_

"Yes, we understand but, he is also your son, we're sure there is a bias –"

"Absolutely not! Don't you think, that if this was just about my views I would _want _him to get help? Because believe me, I do. There's something very wrong with him."

"Yes, I understand that, but the thing is... we did a run on the badge you presented us with and... well... it didn't check out..."

"I am under obligation to not display my identity for reasons you are surely well aware."

"Okay, I think I'll need to call security."

Yagami sighed, and L was certain he was contemplating his options.

"Show him." L commanded.

Soichiro regarded L for a moment before resigning. "As you wish Ryuuzaki." He then took out his _real _badge and presented it before the doctor.

The doctor nodded, "You understand that we will have to do a check on this one as well?"

The Chief nodded and handed over his badge to the Doctor who went over to the computer mainframe and began typing. A few minutes later he came back and handed the badge back to Soichiro. "Thankyou Chief Yagami, please follow me, I'll need you to sign some papers for his release."

The Chief nodded and walked past L, shooting the detective a glare in the process, "If I die, that is your fault."

L nodded, "Yes, most things are."

* * *

Light walked into the Kira investigation headquarters with his father. He was shocked that the man had gotten him out of having to go to a mental hospital. It wasn't that he didn't trust his father's capabilities, he just couldn't understand why. Surely he would want Light locked up, he seemed pretty upset.

He hadn't gotten any answers on the drive back, his father hadn't said a word to him the whole way and it didn't look like he was going to for awhile. He wondered what L had told him and was terribly worried the detective had said something that would confirm their secret.

They met with the others in the investigation room, and it seemed every eye turned to look upon their arrival. Except L's, who was sitting in his usual position eyes locked on the screen in front of him.

"Okay." Chief Yagami commanded of the small taskforce before him. "This is how it's going to work from now on." He stared at the back of L's chair. "Ryuuzaki, I would like it if you would join us."

L obeyed and came to stand before Soichiro, but made it obvious to not look at Light. "Good, now, some things have happened in the past week that I am not necessarily proud of." He shot L a look at that comment.

"However, our main objective here is to catch Kira, and as Chief of Police, that is exactly what we are going to do." He paused for effect.

"Therefore, things will continue as usual, and I don't want to hear about _any_ of this again. Understood?"

There were agreements heard from the taskforce around him, except from Light and L, who had remained still.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing! How could his own father be so emotionless when his son had almost committed suicide? How could he ask that things return to normal? When normal was obviously not working before!

"Tell me!" Light's voice rose with sudden anger. "Why you had me released!" his lips pressed into a thin line, "I'm sure you must have had a good reason! Well? Let's hear it!"

His father gave him the coldest look he had ever seen, "Why?" he asked, his eyebrows raised in mock amusement. "Because Light Yagami, you are a suspect!"

Light's eyes widened and he was sure he saw L tense noticeably out of the corner of his eye. He didn't give Light a chance to respond, turning to L.

"And you. You are _not _to let him out of your sight again! Is that clear?!?" Light saw L nod, his face revealed nothing.

L and Light turned to leave but The Chief's voice sounded again. "Also," he lowered his voice. "There _will _be cameras installed in your quarters."

L looked like he was going to object, but a glare from The Chief quieted him, and instead he turned and walked in the direction of their quarters.

* * *

L opened the door, going for the hand cuffs that were lying on the bed. He methodically snapped one to his wrist, then, without looking at Light, snapped one on his too.

He then sat on the bed and turned on his laptop, the processor was fast and he was asked to type in his password in seconds. He did so, and upon loading, brought up his work on the Kira case and began reading through it.

He knew Light was standing where he had left him, as there was a slight tension to the chain. This new human emotion he felt was the worst, he was so utterly heartbroken. It sounded so cliché when he thought about it, but it fit; his heart literally felt broken.

"Light-kun." He said suddenly, upon realizing why the boy must be standing there. "I won't... I won't... do anything." He said. He risked a glance up from his computer.

Mistake.

His eyes met Lights' and he was rushed back to the memory of the younger man bleeding on the floor, dying, because... because... of _him._

L thought he had collected the pieces of himself and put them back together, but he was wrong, because a tight knot situated itself in the core of his being, and he felt tears well up. He fought the urge to bite his lip, and clench his hands. It was so painful, so knife stabbingly painful, but he thought he might prefer the knife.

"L..." Light started, approaching the bed. "I... I'm... sorry..." He sat on the edge. "I really am, it was... immature and I realized that –"

L had looked back at the laptop screen, but the words that ran across it weren't helping.

"Light-kun," he said, in the most emotionless voice he could come up with at that moment, "We have work to do, I would appreciate it if you would start."

"What? You too? You just want to pretend that none of this happened?"

L cocked his head to the side, "Yes. Now please start working."

"L, Look at me."

"Please call me 'Ryuuzaki'"

His laptop was suddenly nonexistent as Light took it and set it on the ground beside the bed. He situated himself in front of L, and using a fore finger and a thumb, tilted L's head up to his.

L knew that if he didn't get a handle on the situation and fast he would lose it, he wouldn't let himself fall apart again.

"Look!" Light's eyes blazed. "It did happen, and I'll prove it!" he tore off the bandage, revealing his stitched wrist. He paused for a second himself at the image as if it was the first time he had seen it, a horrified look crossed his face.

L was vividly taken back to the bathroom with shattered mirrors and blood and Light...

"Light-kun..." he choked out.

"What?" his attention straying from his wrist to focus on the detective.

"I... I... wasn't talking about that." He stammered.

"You...? Oh." Light looked down, "You meant what happened with us then..."

L was silent, and went to move off the bed. Light grabbed his wrist. "What happened to your hand?" L looked at it, it was cut pretty bad in several places, but didn't need stitching or anything close. Although he _was _supposed to keep bandages on them, but it was way too inconvenient. "It's nothing, Light-kun, but thankyou for your concern."

Light looked at him with his amber eyes and L had to turn away again, because they showed so much emotion. He didn't even try to read them.

"You're feet are cut too... aren't they?" Light whispered.

L nodded, and tried to pick up his laptop from off the ground. Light however, stopped him.

"...I...need to know something..."

L regarded him passively, or what he thought was passive. "What is it, Light-kun?"

Light looked at him, eyes still displaying that fierce emotion. "Do you... do you love me, L?"

_Yes. I love you Light Yagami. _

"No." he said, and tried unsuccessfully to pull from Light's grasp.

"Then why are your hands and feet all cut up like you were walking on a floor of glass?!... why were you crying when I was in the hospital?!..." He trailed off, his eyes got sharper. "Why did you never leave my side?!"

"H...how do you know about that?"

Light smirked. "I didn't"

L wasn't prepared for such a confrontation, and as a result a shutter escaped him, and he found himself swallowing. He let out a breath, forcing himself to calm down. "Yagami-kun, it doesn't matter."

Light stared at him with ridiculously wide eyes.

"Of course it matters!"

L felt a vice grip around his heart squeeze. He shook his head, "Light." He said very seriously, dropping the honorary, "I _did _love you, and you tried to kill yourself."

"No. You _fucked _me; you never said _anything _about love."

"Would it have made a difference?" L asked stoically cringing briefly at his language. He tried again to get his damn laptop from off the ground, but Light was holding most of the chain in a vice grip, much like the one around his heart. He wondered briefly how much it would hurt if an actual chain was wrapped around it, and decided he wouldn't like to find out.

"I don't know…"

"It is very likely you would have reacted the same."

"Try me"

Caution masked L's face, "What?"

"Tell me you love me"

"Light-kun…"

"Say it!"

"No."

Lights hands clamped tight against the material of his shirt and L was pulled forward. His lips met Light's with unnecessary force. He struggled for a moment, his mind overwhelmed by the intensity. But Light didn't stop, his lips pressing more feverishly to the detectives and his tongue pushing passionately into L's mouth. Overcome by sudden desire L responded to the assault, his own tongue meeting Light's and pressing against it, hard, causing the other to gasp in surprise.

Light broke the kiss, panting, a bewildered smile present on his face. L blinked and felt that painful throbbing of his heart start again, his lips trembled, and tears blurred the edges of his vision.

The younger man smiled. "You do, I knew it."

Light leaned forward again, but L violently pushed him away.

"Don't!" he said, his voice inflicted with poison.

"What?" Light said taken aback. "But..."

"This isn't a game, Light-kun." His voice displayed danger.

"L..." he started, "I know things have... _happened..._ between us, but the truth is..." he hesitated.

L stopped breathing.

"I..."

L's heart stopped.

"...don't want to lose your friendship."

_Friendship_

The word echoed around in L's mind for a long minute. Was that it? Was that all L meant to him?

_Friendship_

Mmm so that was it.

_Friendship_

Light was still talking, and L had to struggle to focus on it. Even so, he only caught bits... but they were enough.

"...I felt... so used... "

_Used?_

_I used him? That wasn't true... it wasn't... how could he think...?_

"...I'm not gay..."

_Not gay?_

_But I didn't know _I _was gay, I never meant to force this on him..._

"...I'm a just suspect..."

_just? _

_Yes... you _should _be just a suspect... but... I... I..._

"...it was so wrong..."

_Wrong?_

_It is wrong... yes you are right Light-kun, I must apologize._

"...it ruined everything..."

_Everything?_

_Everything..._

L brought his thumb up to his mouth and chewed on it subconsciously.

"I understand." He said cutting Light off.

_Yes. I understand. It was unprofessional. I'm done being unprofessional. _

"Oh, good." Light seemed relieved.

* * *

Light felt his heart swell with such happiness he was sure it would explode. He had done it. He had confessed, and now... now, everything would be okay. He gently touched L's arm.

"Yagami-kun, please don't touch me again." The detective sent him a poisonous glare.

The smile faltered, heart exploding. "What?"

"You heard me."

"L! What the hell?" he went to grab L's shirt but his hand was pushed away.

"It's Ryuuzaki." He said emotionlessly.

"That's..." Light searched for the right words. "L..." he grabbed onto the raven haired man's shirt.

"Yagami-kun," His voice heated, "I'm only going to say this once." He gave Light a smouldering glare. "Let. Me. Go."

Light felt tears blur the edges of his vision, this wasn't happening! This wasn't how it was supposed to end!

"L..." he gasped. "Why are you doing this?" dread washed over him.

L cocked his head; it appeared his emotions had stabilized again. "Because, Yagami-kun, you were right you are _just _a suspect." He reached down and pulled up his laptop. "It was unprofessional and _wrong _to get involved with you. I apologize for misleading you, so from now on you will wake up at 6, and we will be downstairs ready for work at 8. Lunch break is at 12 and..."

The rest became meaningless background noise, for all Light could do was stare at him in horror.

* * *

"_L, I know things have happened between us, but the truth is... I don't want to lose your friendship. I don't want to lose you, cause you matter more to me than I realized... L? Well anyway, I thought the main problem was that we went to fast... I felt it was rushed anyway, and I'm... so used to being in control that it took me off guard. Then, of course 'I'm not gay,' was the only thing that went through my mind after... well you know. But I was thinking that... I never was really attracted to girls, I dated a lot, sure... but there were never any feelings involved... on my side anyway. I guess I never realized it until you showed me what it was suppose to be like. I thought it was so wrong... at first. And I thought, you always thought, that I'm just a suspect. So obviously that shocked me too and... well, for my dad, it ruined everything cause he had worked so hard to raise the 'perfect son' but –"_

* * *

T_T I know, sad, i'm sorry... kay, not really... its all part of the plot ^.^

but atleast Light's alive... heh, there wouldn't be much of a plot anymore if he were to die.

also, at this point, I know Soichiro isn't the "Chief" anymore... but it would have seriously murdered the plot if I hadn't changed that detail...


	7. Beyond Bipolar

^.^ hey, sorry for the delay on this chapter, I tried to get it up earlier but my great grandfather passed away... expectedly. (he was 101!!!) Very strange going to a "happy" funeral.

Thankyou guys so much who have stayed with this story or reviewed or subscribed or favourited ^.^ it makes me ridiculously happy!!!

***WARNINGS***

as stated last chapter, this chapter will contain torture, as well as non-con. Oh... and it will seem pretty confusing and OOC

* * *

**Beyond Bipolar**

Over the next few days, it seemed that something in L had just turned off, whatever emotion he had found had been forgotten just as quickly. He showed no interest in Light what-so-ever, hardly even looked at him anymore. Their days were longer than usual and even though, Light had done nothing to render L's percentage higher, he treated him like he had. Once even almost _calling _him "Kira."

Everyone in the task-force, save for Matsuda, treated him like he had a mental disorder. He would find them giving him weird looks occasionally, like he was a hamster in a zoo. He ignored it as best as he could, doing only what he was told, by a now _very _strict L.

L made it obvious that they weren't friends anymore, he still used the prefix 'kun' but it seemed that was more for keeping up appearances. Their relationship now could only be described as _Master _and _Slave. _

Lately, ever since he had gotten released from the hospital, he had been having night terrors. He would violently awaken in a cold sweat, shaking and terrified yet having no recollection of any nightmare. This was the only time when L seemed to remember his existence, for Light would find him watching him with an emotion akin to amusement etched on his face.

All of that unsettled Light and sometimes he found himself unable to sleep, instead watching L trying to figure out what had caused the change in him so suddenly. Of course, L would always tell when he was awake, without even looking at him, and would tell him to go to sleep. Even when he would ignore the orders and move closer to L, the other would give him a glare that would pause any.

He couldn't believe that L had just changed his mind, but however impossible it seemed, it only got worse as the days went by. As the harsh rejection had crushed any chance for a second attempt, all he could do was blindly follow L's orders. Yet he knew, he would break under the pressure soon, there was no doubt about that. Yet at this moment, he knew his exhaustion had won over because L's hunched, form in the darkness, began blurring and fading, eventually disappearing all together as he drifted into a restless sleep.

* * *

It was late at night, and even though Light didn't know _how _late, he knew he was sleep deprived and that put him in a bad mood, even if it wasn't entirely the detective's fault. They had just entered their quarters, Light with a glare attached to his face, permanent now too it seemed, and L stoic and cold as was the norm now.

Light was furious, and he didn't try to hide it at all. He hated that L had reverted to the role he was originally suppose to play. He hated that he himself had changed. He hated the damn chain that kept them so close together. He hated himself. He hated L. Well, actually, he _hated _L because he _loved _L. He hated that L had rejected him. No one rejected him, he was Light Yagami! He would never admit it but his ego had suffered a tremendous blow.

This was it, he was so tired of the emotionless detective, when he knew, he _knew_ L was capable of showing true emotion. He wanted to see that again, and would force it if necessary.

L unlocked the cuffs to allow them to change out of their clothes, and then, facing away from Light like he had before, he slipped a different shirt on, before taking his other off. Light made no move to take off his clothes, instead he went to the panel on the wall and expertly hacked into the system and shut off the cameras, then typed in a few more lines of code. He then picked up the hand cuffs that L had let fall to the floor then quickly and methodically put a special knot into the chain so the cuffs were locked only a foot apart.

L already had a different shirt on, this one also white but more baggy, his usual sleeping attire. He hadn't turned back to Light yet. He was in the process of taking off his pants, but must have heard the chain rattle as he held out his right wrist. Light smirked darkly and took a hold of it just as L was stepping out of his jeans. He snapped the right cuff on, then without warning, grabbed L's left wrist and snapped the other on too.

L still facing away from him froze up completely, his hands locked behind his back, the excess chain trailing to the floor. Light had knotted it so it would only tighten if the detective struggled. L turned slowly to face him, and Light was certain he saw a flash of fear in the detectives eyes before they went blank again.

"Yagami." He said in a warning tone.

Light only replied with a smirk, and loosened the tie at his neck.

"Dangerously high percentage, Yagami-kun." L did test his restraints then and Light noticed L's eyes widen slightly as they tightened.

"Times up." Light said, a dangerous look on his face, and his tie fell to the floor. He advanced on L and roughly grabbed his upper arms, and pushed him back forcing him to take steps until he was against the mattress edge. Light let go of one of L's upper arms and proceeded to unbutton his shirt.

"Yagami-kun, I should warn you that Watari _is_ watching the cameras and police will be here in a few minutes."

"No, they won't." Light briefly released L's other arm so his shirt would fall to the floor. Then he roughly tossed L onto the bed, and followed after him climbing on top of_ the_ _world's greatest detective . _His face was inches away from L's and even though the detective was schooling his features he could tell L was scared.

"I overrode them –"

"Even more obvious tha—"

"All of them," Light smirked, "and it will display that there's problem with the server."

L went mute again, and bit his lip. His dilated black orbs gazed at Light with hardened emotion.

"I'm warning you to stop this now Light-kun."

"You want to pretend we're friends _now!?!_" Light shifted his weight so he was straddling the detective. "Now that I'm dominant over _you?_"

"Kira is not domin—"

SLAP!

Light backhanded him. Hard. Anger burned in his eyes. _"Shut-up, L" _He gritted out, his anger dangerously out of control.

L's eyes flashed with a hurt look, his gaze adverted from the angry teen. Light bathed in that emotion even though a tight coil of guilt settled in his stomach.

He ignored it and forced L's head to his own. Pressing their lips together angrily. He forced L into submission, biting on the other's lip so he would open his mouth in shock, Light took his chance and plunged in. He spilled all of his pent up frustration, anger, hate, and _love_, into the kiss. He held the detective's shoulders in a solid painful grip as he deepened the kiss. He released one shoulder to slide his hand down L's shirt to his boxer's and grab him roughly. Light smirked against his lips, when L cried out. He was hard. L was enjoying this.

Light broke the kiss to stare into the detective's eyes. They were angry, just like his, but also held that clouded look of passion he had seen weeks ago. He missed that look.

"You enjoy being taken by force, L?" Light's ego inflated at his statement.

L gave him a mocking look, "What, like you did?"

Light grit his teeth, his ego deflating just as fast. "Fuck you."

Laughter spilled from L's lips unexpectedly, "I don't think we'll be going that far, Light-kun."

A dark look crossed Light's eyes, "We will if I have anything to do with it." he said venomously.

"Well, I apologize Light-kun, but you don't, not anymore." With that he brought his hands -hand cuff free- from behind his back and violently shoved a shocked Light off him and to the floor. Light hit the floor hard, pain exploding in his stitched wrist and travelling up his arm. "Ahhh." Light cried in pain, gingerly going to cradle his throbbing wrist. However, L sprang onto him and held him securely under himself, the detective grasped both of the boy's wrists, ignoring the second protesting cry of pain, and twisted them behind his back. Heated metal was snapped against them, and within a minute Light found himself in his own trap.

L had uncharacteristically shut his eyes, his expression was unreadable as he sat straddling Light.

Light could only bring himself to utter one word, "How...?"

The detective smirked, "With the key, obviously."

"but... but... that was in the pocket of your jeans." Light defended, as if the realization would reverse the situation he was in.

"I moved it."

Oh, when he was shutting off the cameras, of course. What a stupid mistake. It was unlike Light to make such an amateur mistake, his ego took the damage once again.

"I think it's time you learned why I am the greatest detective in the world." L leaned in, his voice lowered to a whisper. ~

L opened his eyes and gazed at the boy underneath him thoroughly.

Light immediately noticed something eerily different about L, it was his eyes. They were... brown. It took Light a few seconds to realize his pupils had constricted. That had never happened. It was unnerving to see this L, to say the least, with his pupils the size of pin pricks. In the end though Light decided it didn't matter. So instead he switched to quietly contemplate his options, which didn't take long. There weren't any. At least not readily available, he needed to buy some time.

"You are the best detective because of your intelligence." He stated as coldly as his wavering voice would allow

"Certainly that isn't the only reason" His voice was colder than usual, which seemed impossible.

"I don't see why not."

L cocked his head to the side, "hmm" was all he said and climbed off Light then stood up, forcing Light to as well. "Come," L said and stood near their canopy bed.

Light grit his teeth in annoyance, "I'm not a dog –"

SLAP!

Light's head flew to the side violently, his vision burst with painful explosions and his skin burned. When his vision returned L was standing directly in front of him. "Oh, yes, one more thing. You may not speak unless I instruct you to."

Light smiled at this. Torture then, was that his plan? He knew after his 50 days in confinement that the detective was certainly capable in the solitary confinement area of it. L had never gotten physically involved. Besides the cameras would only stay off for another hour at most, L didn't have 50 days. His cheek burned and while he figured that, that counted as physical involvement he realized he _had_ slapped L too. The detective was known for revenge.

"Also, you get no warnings."

"ha, _that_ was a –"

SLAP!

Other cheek this time. Light was stunned into silence, his smirk wavering, but he wasn't scared of L. No that was ridiculous!

L violently grabbed him and turned him so he faced the bed, then forced Light to take the few steps to reach it. So far it had been practically the same as what he had done to L. he waited for the shove onto the bed. It never came.

"I must thank you, for you have made this very easy for me."

Light growled under his breath when L picked up the chain and got onto the bed, reaching with the chain to the metal frame of the canopy. He then tied the remaining 7 feet of chain so Light was forced to raise his arms above his head, and stand on his tip toes. This was abnormal even for the detective. Light fought down the bile of fear rising in his throat and tried to calm himself. There was a light directly behind Light on the ceiling and it shone on the detectives shirt while he was finishing the knot. The trapped boy focused on that, it seemed pure and calming. He felt slightly more relaxed until L focused those eyes on him again, however this time unshadowed and highly illuminated.

They were not brown, they were _red_. Light tensed at this realization even though he chided himself it didn't make a difference. So the freak of a detective had freaky colored eyes, big deal. But there was something animalistic and predatory about them. They reminded him of a killer.

Those eyes bore into his. "You are to stay here until I return." L told him.

"Like I have a cho-"

SLAP!

Then L left the room.

After recovering, Light decided he didn't like this red-eyed L, he was more weird than usual and he seemed _cruel._ Over time Light had thought of many descriptive words to describe the detective, but 'cruel' had never been one of them.

He hung there forever, his arms had long since gone numb and his wrists throbbed painfully. On top of all that he was shirtless and as a result, now quite cold. He shuddered, and upon the pain that shot through his arms, noted to not do that again.

The door opened as L returned, it was shut immediately and locked. Facing away from L he had no idea what he had gone to do, or brought back... Light shut his eyes and forced himself to calm down, however all he saw behind his eyelids were L's freakish red eyes.

Then cold pain hit him. His overworking mind was stunned into silence. He couldn't figure out what happened, there was a distant memory there... something about this seemed familiar. Coldness enveloped his body again, and he remembered. Water, ice cold water. He clenched his teeth, as it washed over him a third time, to stop from crying out.

He was panting now, in frigid pain more than anything, his skin felt so cold it _burned _and his heart beat so slow against his chest he thought it might stop.

L hadn't said a word through the whole thing so for him to speak suddenly made Light jump.

"Mmm, this is only to make what I'm about to do next hurt a lot more." He confided in the shivering boy.

Light couldn't stop the shudders that coursed through his body anymore. They escaped him, much like the calm he had possessed only moments before had.

Light squeezed his eyes shut but opened them a second later in surprised shock when he heard the sharp jingling of a chain. L moved into his vision again, having to climb on the bed to do so, and Light saw the cause of the sound. The detective was holding a chain, much thinner than the one that was used to connect them together, but still a _metal chain_ none-the-less.

Light shuddered violently and stopped breathing, his eyes widened despite his best effort to remain impassive.

L gave a creepy smirk, his own eyes glittering with sadistic amusement. "You may speak." L's hold on the thin metal chain tightened slightly.

"You...you..." Light was at a loss as to what to say, "you won't." He finished, trying to appear composed. It failed miserably.

"You underestimated me." L said in that cold creepy voice again.

Light shook his head, water splaying to the sides. "No... we're friends... how could you...?"

"You want to pretend we're friends _now?" _L said mockingly, recalling Light's words from earlier. "Now? when I'm dominant over _you?_"

"L, this isn't funny!"

"Mmm I love it when you call me that." His expression changed rapidly from mocking to serious.

L changed his position to stand behind Light again. "You may scream."

"L! No-!"

LASH!

The metal whipped across Light's back, tearing through skin on contact. The boy's mind and body exploded in white hot agony, he unleashed a scream.

A second lash ripped across his back and he began sobbing. Pain filled tears dripped in succession down his face. "Stop... please." He begged, his only focus on ending the agony that had consumed him.

"Stop?" Hands slid in front of Light and thin fingers began undoing his pants. "Would you prefer I did something else?"

Light's eyes widened. "L...let me go...stop." he was panting from the pain, he could feel his warm blood drip down his frigid back.

L chuckled and his hands disappeared from Light's waist. Another lash was whipped across his back, and he felt his entire body give out, his weight now solely on his wrists. He didn't scream, his vocal cords were locked in place. This one had over lapped a previous one and his body shuddered in unrepressed agony.

His mind was on shut down so it only dimly registered when his legs were exposed to cold air. His boxers were discarded next. Something screamed at him to escape, get away, stop this, but it wasn't like he chose for this to happen.

"You are not to speak anymore, is that clear?"

Light nodded, numbness pleasantly enveloping his body.

Cold hands grasped his waist in a death grip, Light felt a pressure at his entrance. The numbness gave way to dread which mercilessly flooded through his being. _No! _

L pushed himself roughly into Light, the younger man let out a desperate cry, but didn't say anything as directed. The detective pounded into Light, each thrust causing the other's body to tense further. His jaw hurt from gritting his teeth to tightly together, his back burned with the lashing and his wrists were sending shooting pains up both arms. But none of that compared to the tearing violation. He felt sick, he felt dirty, and cold, and used.

The detective shuddered behind him as he came, his grip tightening even more, definitely bruising Lights hips. He let go as he pulled out.

Light trembled, tears dripped from his chin. "Why?" His abused voice asked thin air. There was no answer, and even if there was Light was too trapped in the pain to register it. "L…I…I…"

The binds that were holding him suddenly gave way and he fell to the hard ground on his abused back, falling into unconsciousness at the painful impact, but not before three last words escaped his lips;

"I love you"

* * *

L glanced at Light from time to time, it appeared he was having another night terror for Light's eyebrows kept furrowing and his jaw was clenching spastically.

L's eyes wandered back to his computer, when Light hadn't displayed any abnormalities for a few minutes. Then;

"No..."

L's eyes shot to Light, he had never spoken before.

Light mumbled something else he couldn't make out, so he closed his laptop quickly to cut out the noise of the processor.

"...how could you?"

L saw Light clench at the sheets, and toss his head to the side. The younger boy's expression was undeniably pained. L narrowed his eyes, focusing more intently on the other's face. It seemed rather strange for Light to start having nightmares now... unless...

"L..." it came out like a soft plead.

L's interest piqued at the mention of his name. Strange though... Light always called him 'Ryuuzaki.'

"L! No!" Light cried out. Desperation and agony evident in his voice.

L's expression froze in a look of horror, matching almost exactly the look of horror that was on Light's face. _What is he dreaming about?_

Sweat broke out on Light's face and L had half a mind to wake him up, to stop the suffering... but his interest stopped him. Besides, you weren't suppose to be able to feel pain in your dreams. Right?

"Stop...please..." Another plea.

A knot formed instantly in L's stomach... _stop? But stop what? Was he...could he be..._

"L..."

_Could he be dreaming about... when we...we..._

L bit his lip, his expression lost to sadness. So it was true, he really did hate it. But that didn't make any sense to the detective, Light _had _enjoyed it... he had become hard and...

L reached a pale hand and laid it against Light's cheek. The boy hadn't said anymore, however a shudder would escape him every few seconds and his face was still contorted in agony.

But then, it was also true, that Light had been locked up for fifty days, and then right after, chained to the detective. It made sense that Light needed release, it made sense that L was able to turn him on after all that time. Maybe even his own father could have.

_Oh god...then does that make me...a rapist?_

L shuddered with the thought, and brought his hand to Light's which he took gingerly in his own.

"Why?" Light spoke once again. This time, he seemed so weak and fragile, something he hadn't seen since Light had tried committing suicide. L turned Light's wrist over and gently ran his index finger across the fresh scar.

_I'm so sorry Light._

"L...I...I..."

L leaned closer to the younger boy and brushed some stray hair off his face.

"I know. You hate me." The detective whispered in a pain choked voice, even though he knew Light wouldn't hear him.

The boy's face softened, as if he were peacefully sleeping again. His body relaxed with it, then he finished his sentence;

"I love you."

* * *

as I said, confusing. But bet you're glad that was just a dream eh?

reviews make me update sooner ^.^


	8. Beginning from the End

Thankyou to my loyal fans ^.^ I've reached 40 reviews!!!!! T_T I'm so happy!!!!!

I won't say much here except that this chapter took me _forever _to write... and that it was inspired by the song; "**Never Wanted to Dance**" by **Mindless Self Indulgence**.

* * *

**Last Chapter**

_L leaned closer to the younger boy and brushed some stray hair off his face._

"_I know. You hate me." The detective whispered in a pain choked voice, he knew Light wouldn't hear him._

_The boy's face softened, as if he were peacefully sleeping again. His body relaxed with it, then he finished his sentence; _

"_I love you."_

* * *

**Beginning from the End**

"..."

_What?_

"…"

_What did he just say?_

L stared at Light, his heart swelling with an alien emotion, and his breathing on pause. His eyes had become impossibly wide and his mind raced to get an explanation. In the mean time Light had opened his eyes and was staring blankly at the ceiling. L didn't know what to say, and since Light hadn't looked at him yet, he had the option of pretending to be asleep. However, he disregarded that idea, considering; one, he didn't sleep, and two, he was hovering over the boy like a child molester.

Light stared at the ceiling sullenly, no emotion whatsoever present on his deathly pale face. L slowly laid his hand against Light's cheek again, the boy instantly tensed, his eyes flying to meet the detectives'.

"Light-kun."

Light shut his eyes in reply.

L brought his other hand and rested it against Light's other cheek. "Light-kun, look at me."

Light opened his eyes, tears welled up and he bit his lip. His voice was a whisper when he spoke, "Am I allowed to speak?"

_What?_

"Of…of course, Light-kun." L hurried to answer.

Light adverted his eyes. "You didn't have to carry me to the bed, you know." This was a whisper too.

_What is he talking about?_

"Light-kun... I didn't..."

Light looked at him again, his eyes squinted in the darkness. "Your eyes are black again."

"Light-kun...my eyes are always black."

"No... red." He muttered.

_Red?_

* * *

Light felt intense pain upon coming out of unconsciousness. He dared not to move, and because of that it took much longer for him to figure out his surroundings.

He knew it was dark wherever he was, which he assumed to be a dungeon somewhere. But... if that were true, then why was he lying on something warm and soft? He let his eyes adjust to the darkness, staring at the ceiling and putting up his own mental blocks of his most recent memories. Light felt something warm touch his face and he tensed in response, his eyes flitted quickly to those of his captor. Upon realizing he was not alone, his eyes shut against his will. The lingering effects of the older man's slap caused Light to tremble. He couldn't go through it again. He couldn't.

The detective's voice called his name and something else touched the other side of his cheek, which he assumed to be L's other hand. "Light-kun, look at me."

The voice was gentle, but Light wasn't about to ignore the command. He opened his eyes and looked at the older man above him. He bit his lip subconsciously and felt tears breakthrough his weakened control and well in his eyes. The man above him was looking at him in mock concern. His eyes adjusted even more to the darkness and he was aware that the man's eyes were dilated once again. Light found his voice and asked if he was allowed to speak. He tensed in preparation for the detective to hit him.

He didn't.

"Of...of course, Light-kun."

Light adverted his eyes, "You didn't have to carry me to the bed, you know." He stated, upon noticing the canvas above them.

L's reply was too silent for Light to pick up, and instead of making the violent detective repeat himself, Light commented on his eyes. It was a stupid thing to say. Of course the man's eyes would dilate again when in the dark. But he was more focused on trying to keep his tears from overflowing, and his body from betraying him and shuddering in fear. Light was terrified out of his mind, his lungs were only taking in enough oxygen to keep him conscious.

"Light-kun." The detective's gentle voice caused the other's attention to focus on him again. Light swallowed, he was unsure of what to do. He preferred the detective's out right violence and rules to this fake concern.

Light looked at him, he tried but couldn't keep the fear out of his eyes. His body felt numb, he reasoned it was probably because of his shallow breathing. It was an uncomfortable feeling but it did keep the pain away. The detective hadn't said anything more, but just looking into the man's eyes was going to break him again.

L cocked his head to the side and his eyes betrayed an emotion that if Light didn't know better would boarder on hope. "You love me?"

Light's eyes widened, he hadn't realized the detective had heard him. He turned his head to the side, his weak hold on his emotions broke and Light found hot tears sliding down both cheeks, his body tensed in reply. He couldn't look at the detective. The thought that the man would use his emotions against him for the third time seemed high, and he doubted whether he would survive this time.

L's arms wrapped around him and he felt himself being pulled against the other's body. L nuzzled his face in the other boy's neck and breathed deeply.

A sob rushed from Light's mouth at the contact. He didn't know what was happening, but luring someone into a false sense of security seemed something the man was capable of.

L's next words were a soft whisper. "If that is true, Light-kun, why were you dreaming something so obviously painful?" At the last word the detective brought his head up and gazed into Light's wide eyes.

_Dreamed?_

As far as Light knew he didn't dream of anything in the length of time he had been unconscious after L had... Light shut his thoughts off.

"Light-kun was talking in his sleep." The raven haired man informed.

Light sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

L seemed to mull something over for a minute before speaking again.

"You seem afraid of me." L's eyes narrowed on the younger man beneath him.

Light couldn't hold L's accusation and looked away. "Isn't that what you want?"

There was a long moment of deafening silence, L shifted his weight and Light glanced at him to see him sitting up. The detective studied him briefly before a smirk appeared on his face.

Light felt the little air he held leave him in a gush of air at seeing the smirk. His heart beat painfully against his ribs and he was sure he was going to pass out again.

"Why would I want that?" The detective's words came as a whisper that Light had to strain to hear them.

Light felt fear coil through his body as his mind unleashed its hidden thoughts on the agony L had put him through.

Light shut his eyes against the images, which was a mistake as it only increased them. He didn't realize he had spoken until it was too late. "You bastard! You fucking bastard!"

He heard the words and he knew immediately that it was over for him, everything was over. Which was why he was so confused when the detective spoke his next words.

"Light! Tell me _now _what the _hell _you dreamed about!" his words were packed with seething furry, and Light knew he would have willingly answered him if he knew what he _had _dreamed about.

Light shook and bit his lip. "I'm sorry, I don't know." Light risked a quick glance into L's eyes but was caught like a deer in headlights with the look of realization that had crossed over the detective's face.

"You don't know it was a dream." L brought his thumb to his lips and stared at Light with wide haunting eyes.

Light tried to steady his breathing, he hated his weak position lying on his back with L kneeling before him, but he wasn't about to risk the pain that would come with sitting up.

"Okay, Light-kun. Never mind the dream. Tell me your last memory."

Light sat up suddenly, ignoring the pain that he was sure would come. "Don't even...!" Light breathed he was seething with anger suddenly, he didn't know what he wanted to say, but he knew that _this _was a new form of punishment. He didn't care if L beat him to death for defying him, he wasn't about to _describe _what had happened, when L _knew _very well.

L frowned at the sudden burst of anger, "Don't even... What?"

Light grit his teeth, his eyes flashed dangerously, "Don't even _try _to convince me it was a _dream!" _Light shuddered in spite of himself, "You are sick! You know that?" Light swallowed, trying to fight back his intense nervousness at being so outright with the detective. "If it was a dream then tell me _why _I am in—" Light had taken the opportunity that his speech presented to sit up straighter and gain leverage over the detective, but upon doing so, he noticed that something was noticeably _absent._

_Pain_

Light swallowed again, but this time out of a different nervousness, the kind where you realize you were hallucinating.

"Light-kun?" L asked tentatively.

Light turned his wrists over, and noticed that other than his own self inflicted scar, there were no other marks. He blinked, a sense of depression hung over him like a storm. This was _impossible! _There was no way he could have dreamed something like that. No way. Light bit his lip, blinking back tears. He couldn't meet the detective's gaze when he called his name again softly. Light felt a light weight on his back, and realized that L was trying to comfort him. The detective's hand rubbing small circles on his back, which felt good rather than the grating pain that _should _have been there.

Light lifted his head slowly to look at a distraught L. A truly worried L. Something tugged at Light's heart but he ignored it, and instead looked into the detective's eyes who were studying him with great intensity. Light felt his heart rate speed up, the cause a mix between fear and _something else._

"Light-kun," L made sure Light was paying attention before he continued, "I'm..." L looked down suddenly as if he lost his nerve. The next part came out much quieter, "I'm sorry"

Light didn't say anything only stared at him waiting for him to continue.

L was momentarily silent, breathing in gently before continuing. "When you..." His eyes flicked down quickly to Light's wrist, and he noticeably changed his thought process. "A long time ago, I lived at an Orphanage." He paused as if to carefully choose his words. "There was this boy there, well there were many boys there, but this one in particular... was different."

Light frowned, he was already having problems adjusting to this new turn of events. And now, to have L digress into the past at such a strange moment, had sent a jolt of fear through him when he thought that maybe _this _was the dream.

"His name was Beyond."

"Why are you telling me this?" Light whispered in a choked breath.

"I'm explaining your night terrors." L stated quietly, his face contorted in seeming agony.

Light swallowed and nodded briefly, enticing the other to continue.

"Well... he..." L glanced at the ceiling, "...idolized me." He finished, bringing his eyes back to Lights'.

"I suppose I let his... obsession...with me go too far..." L noticeably winched. "But then, he ran away one day... and I never saw him again."

Light broke away from L's pained eyes and let his hand wander to gently grasp the hand cradled in L's lap. L tensed briefly, and Light suddenly felt the detective watching him.

"But while he was at the orphanage, Beyond used to experiment with chemicals and create his own drugs. I knew this, but..." L trailed off and switched his thought process again. "Anyway, one day he... insisted... I try one of them."

"Oh god..." Light breathed, and it was at that moment that Light noticed he had been subconsciously moving closer to the detective.

"Well... it worked... by Beyond's standards anyway. His attempt was to try and make me like himself. Psychopathic. I felt... cold all the time, couldn't sleep, and soon after began to have an intense craving for... blood."

Light tensed. "So what are you then? A vampire?"

L chuckled low in his throat, the sound seemed very out of place.

"No. I'm not immortal, Light-kun."

"But... what did you do? You didn't... you didn't drink..." Light's eyebrows furrowed.

"Of course not."

"But then..."

L brought his hand up to stroke Light's hair. "It's simple, Light-kun, I ate sugar."

"Sugar?" Light repeated incredulous.

"Yes. As you know, blood is made up of mostly water and glucose."

The realization hit Light hard. It made so much sense, it almost explained everything.

"But that was many years ago. How? How can the... poison... still be in your blood now?"

L sighed, "It multiplies, carries memories..."

_Memories?_

"...he injected it straight into my bone marrow."

Light winched at the painful thought. "L..." He tightened his grip on the detective's hand and pulled him closer to his body.

L was silent for a moment. "Anyway, I want to apologize because... well..." He looked Light in the eyes. "You needed a blood transfusion."

Silence settled over them as Light digested this new information.

"It was... _that _serious?"

"Light-kun... it was _more _than serious." He quietly replied, but said nothing else to prove it.

Light fell silent again.

"Please don't worry though, it... it isn't permanent for you."

Light ignored the comment. "I don't understand! Why you? Why did he do this to you?"

"I'm... not sure. After he killed our parents- "

"What!? He _killed... _Wait, _our_!?"

L froze and seemed to go back over what he had just said. He suddenly sighed in defeat, "Yes. Beyond and I were... twins."

A look of horror crossed over Light's face. He couldn't believe someone could do that, someone could be so sick as to kill their own parents. That someone could inject something so lethal into their own brother. Light brought his other arm around L and began tracing idle fingers down his back. "I'm so sorry, L. I never thought that--" He froze, and brought his fingers to glide over L's back again. There was something there... a long ridge, like a... _No!_

Suddenly L pushed away from Light a look of fear etched deeply in his features.

"L! What happened? Let me see."

L shook his head slowly, "No. It's nothing, Light-kun."

Light ignored him and instead grabbed L's wrist pulling him closer to him again. "Light-kun..."

"Hush, it's okay." He coaxed, and slowly turned L so his back was facing him.

L tensed when Light trailed his fingers down the white fabric again. This time slowly slipping his hand underneath and easing the shirt up. L shuddered, a small weak sound slipping from his lips. Light felt his heart rise in his throat at the pained sound L made. Then without thinking leaned in and gently pressed his lips against the fluttering pulse on L's neck. "It's okay, please let me see?"

He felt L nod against his mouth, the detective briefly pulled away from him to slip the material off himself.

Light's breath caught in his throat.

Uncountable scars trailed haphazardly across L's pale back, some more noticeable, others just a faint line. The ones he had felt stood out beyond all of them though, they were raised, the most noticeable. There were three in total with one crossing the other.

Light felt dizzying apprehension wash over him, and he was suddenly very aware of L's blood in his veins.

_Memories recorded in blood? Is... is that _possible_?_

But here it was, the evidence of severe abuse, the same as his agonizing realistic dream. Light had never seen L's back before, even during changing he had managed to keep himself hidden. He had no idea L had been subjected to such cruel punishment.

He idly began tracing the most severe marks. However feeling L tense even more underneath his fingers, he stopped and clasped the other's shoulders pulling the detective against his own chest, his arms wrapping around him instinctively. Light rested his head on L's shoulder and whispered calmly into the other's ear, "You asked what I dreamt about."

The silence after he spoke was so drawn out, Light thought L may not have heard him, but then he suddenly broke the silence. "_This?_"

Light nodded. "I thought... I thought _he_ was you." He could feel L trembling underneath him, so Light turned him around so L's body was facing his. Light tilted L's chin up gently and noticed hot tears were sliding down L's cheeks, Light wiped them away but more reappeared right after. "Light-kun... I couldn't... I couldn't... _ever _... not to you..." he whispered in a shaky, tear filled voice.

He offered L a weak smile. "I didn't think so."

Its intended effects bypassed L as the detective looked down and traced the hand that held his. "Then... after..." L's voice lowered to a whisper. "After... did he... did I...?"

Light's smile fell off his face, and he pulled L against him again. He brought the hand he had laced with L's, to the detective's raven hair, and then buried his face in L's neck before nodding his affirmation.

"Light-kun?"

He replied into the detective's hair. "Yes, L?"

"How can you hold me like this? After what I did to you?"

Light sighed. "It wasn't you."

"It might as well have been." L mumbled.

Light ignored him, instead pushing L down onto the bed, laying him against the pillow. Then he laid down himself and wrapped his arms around the older man's body and pulled it against his own.

"I'm okay." Light whispered, trying to sooth the trembles that ran through L.

A lie. He felt like he had just returned from a slaughter house. But the man before him _had _been there not just _felt _like it.

"And you will be too, I won't _ever _let anyone hurt you like that again. I promise." Light grit his teeth in sudden anger, "In fact I'm going to personally kill him."

A shuddered cry came from L. "Do you think seeing you in prison would make me _happy?_"

Light chuckled. "Says the man who has his heart set on just that." His tone was laced with humor, but L took it the wrong way again.

L sighed, "I know that's... well... my _job. _But..." He hesitated and buried himself more fully in Light's chest. "... if it ever actually comes down to it... I just don't think I could."

L gently grasped Light's injured wrist and stroked it thoughtfully. "No. I _know _I couldn't."

Light was shocked, he couldn't believe how serious L was on this... surely if he _was _Kira, L would have to do his job... right?

"But what if..."

"What if you _are _Kira?"

Light nodded.

"I... I don't know... I guess we'll just have to try and make it work." L let a low humourless laugh flow from his lips. "...or die trying."

Light didn't reply, he felt sick with the thought that if he _were _Kira maybe he already had some ulterior motives planned and waiting. He wouldn't have been so sure with that if he didn't sometimes feel as if his own mind were keeping things from him. He couldn't think like that though, he couldn't imagine betraying L. The man had been through so much already, he didn't need the only person he had (possibly) ever confided in, betraying him as well.

"L..." He languidly brushed a hand over L's tear stained cheek. "I can't promise... but maybe... maybe if you're right and I _do _regain memories of being Kira. Maybe you've changed me so much that the sick criminal profile we have of Kira won't fit with who I am now."

L laughed again. "Ahh. A bipolar schizophrenic."

Light frowned. "That isn't what I meant."

The man against him suddenly sighed and turned serious, "No. I know, maybe you're right, maybe you can change."

Light nodded. It was comforting, in an odd way, to talk about him being Kira now. First, it was distracting from the truth he had just recently learned. And second, he didn't feel anger anymore at the accusation. He finally saw that L wasn't accusing him on the grounds of defeating him, but rather being practical, and Light could accept that.

He hugged the detective closer. L sighed in contentment and began tracing Light's collarbone. "What now?" Light whispered.

"I don't know... but I'm tired." L confided.

"I thought you couldn't sleep."

"I trust you'll wake me if I have a nightmare, Light-kun."

"Oh... that's why?"

He felt L nod against his chest. "Yes. But, instead of my own memories... I see Beyond's..."

"Oh god." Light gasped.

L nodded again. "You know how _real _they can feel. I couldn't handle Beyond's point of view of..." He trailed off glancing at Light. "To be trapped in a mind like that... it's terrifying."

Light shuddered, and wanted to ask how Beyond had made something so unbelievable, but decided to wait on the question. L had revealed so much to him already. But still, there was one more thing he wanted to know.

"Beyond. Where is he now?"

L sighed. "Dead, he was killed by Kira long ago."

Light felt almost elated with the news, and at that moment actually wished that he was Kira. He liked the thought that Kira had condemned this man to his death. That Kira had ensured L's protection against any more of his sick attacks.

"But... then, if he was a known criminal... did you tell someone?"

"No. That was a different case, I had nothing to do with it." L shook his head against Light's chest. "I've never told anyone."

Light nodded in understanding, the hand stroking L's hair never faltering. They lay in silence for a long time, until Light felt L relax against him and his breathing even out.

Light smiled to himself, maybe things would be okay. Maybe they had a chance.

* * *

Okay, a few things, if you wanted to go back and read over the "dream" scene last chapter, I left a hint in the shape of a squiggly ( ~ ) this is where Light is actually L and L is actually Beyond. Just to clear things up ^.^

Also, I know I took the liberty of making Beyond L's twin brother, but it just really bothered me how two _unrelated _people can look _identical_. For a loooooooong time (until I read The LABB case) I was so confused with that concept. So I fixed it .

Please help me reach 50 reviews!!! O.O


	9. Now or Never

Hey, sorry for the long delay, I had midterms T_T (but to make up for it, this is by _far_ the LONGEST chapter yet!!! nearly 8000 words!!!)

Also, I have reached 50 reviews!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^.^ Thank you everyone!!!! I had no idea I would get so much feedback on this story!!!

Oh and I got some reviews questioning how I will handle Light becoming Kira... heh, well I won't be. I have another story planned though that is deeply involved in that, which is why I briefly clarified last chapter that things would _probably _be ok.

and by now I'm sure you are aware of the content that might present itself in my stories XD so I won't hold you any longer ^.^

* * *

**Now or Never**

"What? You said all that?"

Light smirked still holding the detective underneath him, his lips tracing the outline of his collar bone.

"I did. Want to watch the tapes?"

L had just spent a good part of the early morning, listening to Light explain to him that he hadn't actually said all the things he was sure he had heard. It had been one of their most confusing conversations at first, because Light seemed to have had no idea what L was talking about. But being two geniuses, they were soon able to sort it out. Which brought them to where they were now.

L sighed against Light's mouth. "No, there aren't any tapes, Watari listens to me not Yagami-san. However it doesn't matter, I believe you Light-kun. I only heard what I didn't want to hear, what I feared. Is that the same as selective hearing?"

The younger man chuckled and pulled away from him, glancing at his watch in the process. "Ready for work?"

L sat up wordlessly and looked down at the bed sheets, his hair casting a dark shadow across his face.

He didn't know what the point of work was anymore. He knew he would just be putting on a charade, clearing Light of suspicion on false pretences. Then leading the task force more fully in the direction they were currently in with Yotsoba.

But right now that wasn't the problem. He felt such an overwhelming sense of guilt over what he had put Light through, that he didn't know how he would be able to live with himself anymore. He had gone to such extreme measures he knew where not only unnecessary, but cruel. Like when he had locked Light up for fifty days. He had not only extended the time that Light had agreed to, although he reasoned that it was unreasonable to listen to the advice of a suspect, but he had handcuffed him in his cell as well. Not because he thought he would be able to escape, but because he knew it would make things unbearably uncomfortable for him.

And there was so much more, but the guilt was becoming so unbearable, he had to stop thinking about it.

"Ryuzaki? What's wrong?" He felt Light gently grasp his chin and tilt it up so he was looking into Light's eyes. He adverted his gaze, casting his eyes to the side.

"I'm sorry, Light-kun." L sighed again and pulled away from Light's grasp.

The silence was enough of a question for the detective to continue.

"For what I put you through," He explained, "regardless of whether you are Kira or not, I treated you unfairly."

"Ryuzaki..."

"No, please let me finish." L's troubled eyes met Lights'.

Light nodded, gently brushing L's hair to the side.

"During my career as a detective, I have done things I am not proud of in order to solve cases. I treated criminals like they were nothing. Certainly not human. I must admit, sometimes I even forgot that I was human." L paused and his eyes went out of focus. "But... you changed that. I don't know how... but I feel...." L trailed off, his eyes suddenly refocused on Light.

And it was true. Every word he had just said, which was very rare for him. He wasn't used to voicing his feelings, not even in his own head, because it was rare that he had any.

Light smiled and leaned forward to gently press his lips against his own, he tilted his chin up to allow better access. Light pulled away after the brief contact, his eyes gleaming with concern.

The guilt twisted deeper into him, causing him to tense his body at the sudden jolt of pain that stabbed at his heart. After everything he had done to this man before him, how could he not be hated? How was it that Light could show such concern for someone like him? Someone who had never shown any mercy to anyone in the past.

Lost in his own thoughts, he hardly noticed Light pulling him off the bed, and leading him into the kitchen. Nor did he really register anything as they changed into their clothes, and then made their way down to meet the taskforce. So this was what depression felt like.

* * *

Even though Light didn't have anything to hide, and could have easily continued with his current research, he hadn't done much all day. This was mainly due to intense introspection, but also because of his frequent glances at L, who also, had obviously not done anything either. Even now he was just staring at his screen, and idly stacking panda bear crackers.

What bothered him even more was that the day was nearly over, yet Light hadn't heard L say one word all day. It unnerved him that he had suddenly become so sullen and depressed. He understood what L had been saying earlier, but with this new reality it seemed like so long ago when those horrible things of the past had happened. He was also nervously aware that L had not once voiced his emotions so freely to him. Even more shocking was what he revealed of his past.

Light was so scared of what more L might have told him, which was why he hadn't questioned him further. He didn't _want _L to reveal anything of his past that might lead to his identity. He had thought about L's slip up during the time they had sex, when the detective had claimed that "L" was not an alias. He had gone over the reasons why L would have said such a thing, but finally came to the conclusion that it was just a test. Maybe L was expecting to catch him researching someone named "L" after that.

But that was just ridiculous, did L think he was really that stupid? No one was named "L".

"Light could I talk to you for a moment please?"

Light tensed at hearing his father's voice behind him suddenly, he had been so lost in his thoughts he hadn't heard him approach. Out of habit he glanced over to see L's expression. He saw him staring at his father with guarded eyes, causing Light to mentally sigh.

He swivelled his chair and stood up, "Of course." He replied in a false cheery tone, and then held out his chained wrist expectantly to L.

There was a long pause where nothing happened, causing Light to glance at the detective again. Upon doing so he noticed that L had not moved, and didn't seem to have any plans on doing so any time soon. Light sighed again, but this time out loud, "Ryuzaki?"

L looked at Light his eyes catching a faint glint of possessiveness behind his mask. He broke eye contact suddenly and sighed himself, slowly standing up to fish the key from his back pocket. He then deliberately slowed as he crossed the few feet of distance between them, before placing the key in the lock and turning it slowly until it made an audible click.

Light smiled his thanks, before turning nervous eyes back to his father and following Soichiro's lead out of the room.

_Damn it! What now? What the hell could he possibly want to say? He made his view pretty clear the first time. _

They took the elevator in silence, going up floor after floor, until Light couldn't take the tense energy in the small cubed room any longer. "Dad... what is this about?"

The Chief sighed, running his hand through his hair in distress before turning troubled eyes on Light. "I'm sure you know."

Light nodded to himself, of course.

They didn't speak again until they came to L and Light's shared quarters. "Why are we....?"

"Here?"

Light nodded and took the opportunity to open the door, letting his father walk in first. Soichiro sat on the bed nodding to a spot beside him for Light to sit as well. Light did and waited with false patience for his father to speak.

Soichiro closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair again, before clasping it with his other hand in his lap. "First of all, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted when you were taken to the hospital." He bluntly stated.

_What? Apologize?_

Light was silent and brought his gaze to focus, with unneeded attention, at the carpet by his feet.

His father continued. "I wasn't actually angry at _you. _I was angry with myself for giving Ryuzaki so much leeway with you. First the confinement, then this chained to him nonsense. He put way too much pressure on you. So much in fact, that I wouldn't have been surprised if you had actually admitted you _were_ Kira just to discontinue his unorthodox methods. You're young, and what you... did... is understandable with what that man put you through." His father went silent and Light thought he was finished.

"Dad... that means – "

"But." His father interrupted him. "What I _was _upset about was this _relationship _you two have seemed to foster."

Light didn't speak. After a few moments he felt the bed shift and could feel his father's gaze on him.

"Are you really that serious about him?"

Light looked up and spoke, keeping his emotions in tight control, "Yes, and I know he's a guy but – "

He was cut short when he heard his father sigh, and saw him bring his hand up to rub his temples. "Light, Light..." He muttered absently, then took his hand away and looked at Light once again. "I hardly care about that."

"Yes but... Wait. What?" Light reprocessed what his father had said, staring at him with incredulous eyes.

Soichiro frowned slightly. "Do you really think me that shallow?"

"I..." Light faltered.

The Chief looked away towards the ceiling. "Light, had L been a girl, I would have reacted the same. Gender isn't the issue here." He paused and looked to Light again. "You are, and I care about you. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to see you infatuated with the same person who's committed his life to see your execution?"

Light cringed.

Soichiro stood up and turned to Light. "Can you see where I'm coming from?"

He did, and it hurt. He didn't want to think about how L wanted him dead. But that was in the past, he had said so himself last night. He had said that even if he _was _Kira he wouldn't be able to go through with it. And he believed him.

Light nodded and stood up as well. "But... he's different, can't you see that?" He defended in a weak voice. "I think... well, I think that he cares about me too."A light blush formed on his cheeks.

"I suppose there is nothing I can say that will change your mind about this relationship choice then?" Soichiro raised his eyebrows in question.

Light smiled vaguely and shook his head slowly, "No dad, I'm afraid not."

His father nodded. "Yes, I was afraid you would say that." His worry made his face look aged and tired.

Light looked at his father with questioning eyes when he started pulling something out of his pocket. It was a small box, he handed it to Light.

Then his father patted him reassuringly on the shoulder before he left the room. Light watched him retreat and only looked at the box once his footsteps were faded to nothing. His face faltered. "Dear god..." He muttered, and unceremoniously tossed the box on the bed before nearly running from the room.

* * *

Concerned eyes greeted Light as he sat back down at his chair. "Light-kun? Are you okay?" L whispered so only he would hear.

Light swivelled his chair to face the detective and gave him a weak smile. "More or less." He admitted, before taking the cuff lying on the floor and snapping it to his wrist again.

The detective's inky orbs narrowed, "You look pale."

Light brushed him off with a wave of his hand. "I'm fine, I promise."

His statement didn't seem to sway the detective but he nodded anyway. However throughout the remaining work day Light could feel his worried gaze on him.

Light was just compiling more information for a PowerPoint he was working on, when he heard the chain jingle. He glanced at L who had stood up and was waiting expectantly for him.

"What is it Ryuzaki?"

"It's bedtime Light-kun." He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Light frowned and glanced at his watch. "But it's only ten."

L nodded. "I know, but like I was trying to tell you this morning I..." he paused and seemed to go deep in thought. "I've been over working you... lately, and I want to stop. I don't want you to hate me Light-kun."

_Hate him?_

"Ryuzaki..." He said standing up. "... I don't hate you."

L met his gaze. "No. But you did."

_Yeah... but you hated me too._

Light went silent, breaking eye contact. He changed the subject.

"Well, okay, let's go to bed. I could use a good night's sleep."

His only answer was the chain pulled taunt as the detective lead him out of the room.

_He's so depressed. I don't like this._

* * *

Light groaned as the detective pulled him into the kitchen.

"Please don't worry, I'll be quick." L replied in a monotone voice, and made his way to the fridge.

Light nodded, and sat down at the table putting his head in his hands.

He pulled out a slice of strawberry cake set in a plastic container, and sat down at the table across from Light. He looked at the plastic encasing and frowned upon noticing something usually nonexistent, "Light-kun, since when were there labels on –" _Sweetened with raw cane sugar._

"Light-kun." He said, the inflection in his voice suddenly darkening.

Light looked up and followed L's gaze to land on the boxed cake. He saw Light squint at the label, then his eyes suddenly widened, and he took on a flustered expression. "I can explain." He said hastily. "You see Misa was here and well she was... um ..."

"Light-kun, it's obvious you were trying to give me a sugar crash." L's tone took on a dangerous edge, "Make me go through withdrawals and fall asleep, right?"

Light sighed. "I'm sorry, that was when I really didn't know..."

His anger suddenly evaporated like water on a frying pan, when he saw the pained look that consumed his lover's face. Since when did that happen? When did any little facial expression that Light made make L's emotions twist in turmoil? Since when was he unable to keep his anger in check? Or for that matter _any _emotion?

It didn't make sense that over the course of a mere few weeks his emotional balance could become so involved. So much in fact, that he knew he would eventually have to quit the Kira investigation. There had to be an explanation, he had spent the last twenty four years of his life in detached emotion. He didn't like it, but it was necessary for his line of work. It made him safe.

It was... inconvenient to fall in love with a suspect.

Then was it Light? Was Light just so damn extraordinary that he had managed to bring something that wasn't just dormant, but that never actually existed in the detective in the first place? No, that wasn't right, L knew that he had felt pain, fear, and confusion, even some misplaced love in his early childhood. Even if he didn't remember it. Maybe Beyond had broken him? No... that still didn't seem right, Beyond had begun abusing him _because _he stopped showing emotion.

So it had to be Light... something Light did...

He looked down again and the sugar free label caught his eye.

Neurons fired, as his mind raced.

"How... how long?"

"Um..." Light rubbed his temples, "about three weeks."

_Three weeks._

L began tapping his index finger in agitation. The correlation between the time when he started feeling different, and the supposed time Light switched everything certainly fit. But was it possible? He brushed that thought aside, reminding himself that he had been too close minded in the past. If shinigami existed then a chemical imbalance brought on by withheld sugar was nothing to freak out over. But still, there was something tugging at his mind. Something about this seemed wrong, but he ignored it, and addressed Light again.

"I must admit, Light-kun, you had me worried. I thought my replacement wasn't working anymore."

Light frowned but it went unnoticed by L, "How? It isn't like your habits changed at all. You still rarely sleep!"

L's lips tightened into a thin line, "Light-kun, I had intercourse with my suspect. I don't recall that being part of my habits."

Light noticeably chose to ignore his comment, "I was talking about sleep. That's what this whole thing was about anyway." He replied tartly, vaguely gesturing with his hand to the labeled box that L had not touched.

L sighed, "What is it you want to know?"

Light leaned forward slightly, "Well, I suppose, I just don't understand. How can you stay awake? Are you taking something?"

L looked up, "You know I'm not."

"Yeah, I know. It just doesn't make sense." He clasped his hands on the table then placed his chin on them.

No it didn't make sense, L knew that. He knew he wasn't normal, and he accepted that. He also knew his answer wouldn't be understandable by most, but this was Light. So he told him.

"It's fear, Light-kun." L stated quietly.

Light sighed, "I know." He paused for a moment and glanced down at the table. "But still... it's hard to believe that you can stay awake, even with that."

L's eyes hardened. _Hmm, maybe not even Light could understand this._

Seeing as the teen was not about to let his go, he tried a different approach.

"What if I told you that every night you would claim the persona of a psychopath and kill your own parents?"

Light shuddered and bit his lip, "God..."

L broke eye contact, "That dream you had, Light-kun, what if you had to relive it every night?"

Light was silent which caused L to look up again and study the younger detective across the short distance of the table.

"What if you had to abuse your own body?"

"Okay!" Light choked out. "I get it." He stood up, "I'll go tell Watari to replace everything right now."

L stood up too and grabbed Light's wrist, stopping him. Depressed eyes flickered to his and he found it hard to imagine that this man, the same one he wanted to execute, could feel such sadness for him.

He brought up a pale hand and pressed it lightly against Light's cheek, "Later." He whispered before softly pressing his lips against his lover's. He felt Light stiffen when he let his hand trail down to rest just above the other's belt. He then pressed himself deeper against Light adding more pressure to their lips, before coaxing the other to open his mouth by running a soft pink tongue over the younger man's lips. Light allowed access, and L took the opportunity to slide his tongue in and intertwine it with Lights'.

"Mmm..." L moaned upon feeling Light's fingers dig into his hair.

Lights turned off, and suddenly L felt himself being pushed backwards and found himself taking necessary steps to keep from falling. Soon he felt the edge of the bed against his calves and allowed his passion inflamed lover to push him onto the bed.

* * *

Light suddenly found himself with the detective known as L pinned underneath him, in his complete control. A sharp spike of guilt made his stomach clench briefly, when he remembered doing this before. It was hard to convince himself that it wasn't real. But it wasn't real, he would never rape L.

Light swallowed and brought quivering hands to lightly grasp the edge of the detective's white shirt, trying to let his instincts take over, as the material was pulled slowly upward.

"You're shaking." L commented with a tinge of humor in his voice.

Light clenched his teeth, eyes trained intently on the folds of L's shirt.

"Shut-up, I can do this."

L's stomach quivered with silent laughs, "Your concentrating to hard, Light-kun."

Light sighed and moved off the detective, but L grabbed his wrist.

"No. You can do this. Just don't think about it."

Light met his lover's eyes for the first time in awhile, and nodded in abject silence. He went to grasp L's shirt again, but something familiar caught his eye. He felt his cheeks heat up rapidly, it did not go unnoticed by L.

"Light-kun, what are you..." The detective's eyes rested on the small box beside them on the bed. He frowned and reached over to pick it up, holding it up in front of his face.

He frowned again. "Trojan? A computer virus?"

Light chuckled at the detective's nativity, his blush increasing, "No, it's a brand name." he admitted.

"A brand name for what?"

Light gave L a weary look, causing the detective to frown and look at the box again. His eyes widened. "Oh."

Light chuckled again, taking the box from his lover before tossing it to the floor. "Please, just forget about it."

L nodded, still looking slightly confused, but didn't press the matter further. There must have been something in Light's tone that warned him.

Light continued pushing the fabric of L's shirt higher up, out of the way. Until L sat up, pulling his shirt off tearing it at the sleeve like before, then falling softly back onto the bed.

_I don't know if I can do this. _Light thought, staring in wonder, his eyes taking on a glint of the starlight that filtered weakly into the room. L was acting so submissive. It made Light somehow feel superior, which honestly scared him. He didn't like how intense heat was gathering in his loins at just the thought. He didn't like it. Yet, at the same time, he loved it. There was something so right about this, there was something in his mind that screamed he won, but he suppressed it. He didn't know where that came from.

This wasn't a game.

He grasped L's chin and pressed his mouth against his lips. A quiet moan was brought forth from the detective, and Light found himself hardening even more. Keeping one hand supporting himself, he experimentally grasped L's wrists in one hand and pinned them above his head. The sensation of control fluttered down his spine.

Next his lips found the detective's neck, which he started nipping at, relishing in the sharp intakes of breath that escaped the man beneath him. It was exhilarating.

His lips trailed down L's bare chest until he found a pert nipple. He gently grasped it between his teeth, and lightly bit, L's body tensed in response. Light's supporting hand found L's other nipple on its own and began rubbing it, and pinching the hard bud that was formed. He darted his tongue and flicked the one in his mouth. L groaned, his body arching to more firmly press against Light's mouth.

A chuckle flowed from between Light's lips at the response. He pulled away, earning a small whine from underneath him. Light released L's wrists briefly to get rid of his shirt, tearing yet another one, then resuming his position but this time capturing L's lips in a kiss.

Light slid his tongue into L's mouth and fondly stroked at the other's tongue, earning more moans. He brought the hand that was playing with L's nipple and lowered it to gently massage the bulge that was fast at forming in L's jeans. L released a light gasp as Light's fingers kneaded him more roughly. Soft moans poured from the detective in rapid succession, and Light found himself moaning as well when the detective began thrusting his hips needily against Light's hand.

He felt L begin to struggle against the assault, so tightened his grip against the detective's wrists. Light moved his hand from L's groin and instead began slowly undoing buttons, then the zipper. L began panting against Light's mouth, the kiss becoming sloppy and uncontrolled.

Light pulled away, to stare into L's eyes, when his hand reached the hem of L's boxers. A muted cry slipped from between clenched teeth, when Light began a steady descent downwards only to stop suddenly.

"Light..." L whimpered, thrusting his hips, trying to get some form of contact against his heated arousal.

Light chuckled. "Beg for it."

L gasped sharply, "Absolutely not."

"Hmm, okay." Light said, his hand slowly trailing upward away from the detective's hard length.

He felt L's body tense, "Okay, okay." He whimpered, before subjecting himself to an uncharacteristic trait.

"Please, Light-kun, please touch me."

Light chuckled again, letting his hand continue its lazy travel downward on top of the fabric. Pressing his lips against L's heated skin, and sharply biting at his neck again.

"Ahhh!" L arched into his hand, when Light grasped his rigid member loosely through his boxers. He could feel how turned on the detective was. He could feel the scorching heat through the thin material.

He couldn't take it anymore.

He briefly stopped his assault on L's neck and pushed his hand down L's boxers, then grasped this length firmly in a fist.

"Nygh! Ahhh!" L panted, and began struggling unsuccessfully against Light's restraining hand. His hips thrusting upward as Light began to slowly pump him.

Light's breath caught in his throat when the detective moaned his name in between pants. Light's hand worked faster, every few strokes, swiveling to brush across the head and collect precum that was collecting there.

A predatory growl, that Light didn't know he was capable of, escaped him. He moaned in frustration when he felt his own hard on throbbing painfully in his tight pants. He released the detective's length and pressed his now free hand against his shoulder.

He thrust against him, rubbing their members together on contact. Momentarily paralyzed by the rush of pleasure, he didn't notice that he had loosened his grip on L's wrists until he could feel nails digging into his back. He thrust against him again.

"Pants..." L gasped.

"What?"

"Pants... take them off." He moaned.

Light used what was left of his slowly dwindling supply of self control to separate himself from the detective and undo his pants, tugging them off and letting them fall in a heap to the floor. Next he pulled down the detective's pants and let them join the pile. Clad now only in boxers, Light thrust himself against his lover again.

His self control snapped. "L... I need... I need to..." He tugged gently at L's boxers.

He felt L quiver beneath him, his hips still rising to meet Light's.

That was all the permission he needed to remove the detective's boxers in one swift motion. Then he shed his own just as quickly. He gently sucked on a couple of fingers before placing them before L's entrance. He didn't really understand what he was doing, but he knew it had to be done. He pushed one finger into the tight entrance. God there was no way he would be able to fit inside him.

A pained moan slipped through L's parted lips alerting Light to his discomfort. Light grimaced as he slowly inserted a second finger, "Sorry."

L bit his lip, pain lacing his features. Light lowered himself again, and traced the outline of L's jaw with his lips as a distraction. L moaned appreciatively.

Light began to move his fingers, gently scissoring them in the process. He could feel L's toned body tense. "You... you have to relax." He moaned into his lover's ear.

Shuddered breaths escaped the detective as he fought to slow his breathing. It didn't work, but Light still felt his body relax slightly letting him push deeper inside.

"Nygh!" Light gasped incoherently when he felt L's fingers around his exposed length, pump him desperately.

Light removed his fingers, biting his lip when he heard the pained cry L let out, but he couldn't wait any longer. He needed the man beneath him. He needed to feel what it was like to thrust into him. He wanted to know what he felt like inside.

He poised himself in front of L's entrance, the condoms that would have made the entrance easier, long forgotten on the floor. He placed his hands on the bed beside L's shoulders, lowering his head slightly to look into the detective's pained eyes, his hair falling in silky strands around his face in the process.

"Are you ok?" he whispered to his lover.

L stared back at him, his usual glass mask shattered at the moment. He nodded submissively and tilted his hips up slightly to allow Light better access.

Light ran his hands down L's body until he was grasping his hips.

He pushed.

L cried out when the head of his length sunk into the detective's entrance. Light held his breath, watching L's facial expression as he pushed in farther.

He paused suddenly.

L's nails raked down his arms, "Don't... stop." He gasped.

Light swallowed. "But I'm hurting you." He whispered in a pain stricken voice.

"Light-kun, it will only hurt more later if you stop now." L's eyes captured his, the pained emotion in his lover's eyes keeping him frozen in place.

"Please..." L panted.

Light obeyed, lowering his head to rest his lips against L's racing pulse. He thrust in deeper.

"Nyhg!" L's pained voice filled his ears. He pulled out slightly before thrusting himself in again.

It was tight, but not unbearablely uncomfortable. He was glad he had prepared the detective. Light thrust in a few more times, relief washing over him when his lover's cries reduced. He continued the slow speed, until his throbbing length couldn't handle the deprivation any longer.

He increased his speed, moans and cries flowing from him continuously. He brought his hand between them and stroked L's length until it was fully hard again.

"Light..." L moaned.

Light took in the detective, and saw a haze of passion slowly replacing the pain that was there only moments before. He had just done something... what was it? He stroked the detective again and thrust into him, L moaned in pleasure, his hold on Light's shoulders tightening.

Light lost himself for a few moments, as panting and incoherent words filled the room. As he kept thrusting into the man beneath him, he couldn't believe that this was the same man who he had met all those months ago. This was the same emotionless, hypothetically asexual man he had hated once. This was the world's greatest detective, and here L was, submitting himself to Light; the same man L had once held in prison. It was fascinating to reflect on. The turn of events that had happened to cause Light Yagami to fall for this man so surely was astounding.

He suddenly felt L tighten around him as his release imminently approached.

"I'm... ahhhhh." L screamed, smashing their bodies so fully together that Light could feel the pulse of L's member as he spilled his seed. However, the tightness around him proved to be too much for him to handle, and he soon felt himself topple over the edge right behind the detective. His cries joined his lover's as he felt blinding pleasure take over his vision, and his mind totter on the edge of insanity.

Their small world, consisting of just each other, slowly regained focus and Light was aware that he had fully collapsed his weight on L. He moved quickly to rectify the situation, rolling off on to his side, and bringing the detective with him to lie against his chest.

Light listened as L's rapid breathing eventually slowed, and evened out. He hugged the detective closer to him, and Light found himself not wanting to sleep. He didn't want unconsciousness to take him where he couldn't feel or hear his lover.

"Light-kun..."

Light tensed in shock against the noise. He was sure L had fallen asleep.

"Shh...sleep." He commanded

L pulled away, much to Light's distaste, and looked into his eyes. "First I need to do something." He said, and reached over to the bedside table and begun shuffling through it, before coming up with the item he needed.

Light couldn't see it clearly enough, in the dim light, to make it out. "What is that? A promise ring?" he chuckled.

"No. Sit up please."

Curious, Light did as he was told. L grasped his cuffed wrist and pressed the object against it. The handcuffed clicked unlocked and fell from Light's wrist with an audible clink. Next L unlocked his own cuff. Light looked at L, confusion clearly expressed in his features.

"You're free." L explained.

Light couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of rejection at the detective's proposal. It was stupid to fear freedom, but somewhere along the line he had come to accept that they would always be chained together. Until one of them died that is. But then this also meant...

"You... you don't think I'm Kira?" Light asked, his honey brown eyes straying to the handcuffs piled on the bed.

L sighed, "We've been through this. I'm afraid I'd be biased now, we can't be detective, suspect _and _lovers. We have to pick one or the other."

Light gave a slight laugh, relief erasing his brief feeling of rejection. "You really think we have a choice?"

L smiled back, "No. It was rhetorical, actually."

Light advanced on L, lying down again and pulling the other back into an embrace. He pressed his lips against L's neck, the detective gave a slight shudder against him.

It was now or never.

"L?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you." Light admitted, voicing his true feelings, consciously, for the first time.

He felt L's hold on him tighten briefly, and then heard him sigh satisfactorily.

* * *

L felt his cheeks heat up, and he quickly looked away from Light's gaze. "I... I... love you too." He replied quietly.

He heard Light sigh in content, but suddenly L realized what had been bothering him.

"Light-kun?"

"Hmm?"

"Once I... start eating sugar again..." L trailed off, and briefly closed his eyes. "You don't... you don't think that will change do you?"

He felt Light laugh against him, before rising above him and catching his lips in a quick kiss. He pulled away and stared into the detective's worried eyes.

"Face it L, you're in love with me."

L felt himself smiling. The words were reassuring, and he knew that if Light could finally accept this situation, then he shouldn't have a problem. And he didn't, he wasn't sure what would happen from now on, but he did know a few things,

He knew for a fact that he had spent his whole life, up to this point, for the world. Had given up any hope at a normal life for everyone else to have a normal life. Had sold his intelligence to the police and never vested any interest in his own person. He had never gone to a real high school, never had any friends, and never been to the movies or the fair. And he was only vaguely aware of what happened at a circus.

His only vacations had been work related, crime didn't take a break, so neither did he. The world expected too much out of him, they expected him to be their last resort when it started falling apart, they expected him to give up his humanity and life in order to live up to their expectations. And he did just that.

He knew he was still rather selfish, but that was his only way of trying to have some control in his own life. The world controlled him, and he hated that. It didn't matter how many billions of dollars he had in the bank, because other than buildings, or funds aiding investigations, he had no time to spend it on anything else. He didn't even have time to sleep, not if he wanted to stay equivalent to a taskforce of FBI agents. So when it really came down to it, he was working for free.

And how long would this go on? How long could he continue this life style? He had accepted long ago that he would die young, but thinking about it now, was that really his only reward for everything he had accomplished? He had set a precedence that the world had come to accept. When everything was going right, the world didn't notice. However, as soon as something terrible started happening it was all put on him, as if it was his fault.

It didn't matter how many people would follow his orders without question. Or how many people respected him, because he knew that no matter how many thousands of impossible cases he solved. If he let just one go, his title as L would be stripped from him, and he would be marked as obsolete.

It was unfair the world wouldn't accept him as human. He supposed that was his own fault for giving them that illusion in the first place, but it still wasn't fair. He had been told once that he didn't know what he was missing. At the time he hadn't given it a second thought, but now he understood just how much he had actually sacrificed, and how much more he would continue to sacrifice. Did he want to continue, just because of everything he had achieved in the past? Or, economically speaking, was he supposed to consider that a sunk cost, and consider it not relevant anymore?

He had never considered a future, his only thought of an end, being his early death. But what if it didn't have to be like that? What if he lived life for himself for once? What if he could live for the only person that mattered to him in the world?

He pressed himself tighter against Light.

What if he could experience something more than a dark room illuminated with a square of fluorescent light? What if he could experience something that he had never considered?

Happiness.

And for the world? Well it could go fuck itself.

* * *

The end!

* * *

**Author rant**

I have now officially watched Death Note in Japanese and English. I am actually quite impressed with their English voices... save for when they try to pronounce Japanese names... makes me laugh every time.

**And to readers who watch DragonballZ... and in English. (if you don't feel free to ignore this)**

First off Light is voiced by Brad Swaile who voices teen Gohan. Yeah! No joke.

When Light's speaking and talking about eliminating bad guys... I just can't help but think of when Gohan becomes sayaman *cringe* actually the whole "Light-studies-his-ass-off-and-gets-the-highest-scores-and-appears-to-be-the-perfect-innocent-attractive-student-on-the-outside-but-actually-has-this-other-persona"... is quite ironic.

After the voice actor said: "The same thing every day, if only there were a way to stop it." (said at the very beginning of DN when he notices all of the crime that is reported every day.)

It makes me wonder if he ever played around while... um... voice acting, and said something like: "Well, I _could_ just go super saiyan on their ass. Oh... wait, wrong character." XD

Ugh... I really have a problem linking a voice actor to the first character I see them voice, so there are so many lines in DN that just make me cringe: me watching an episode -- "Oh come on! Gohan would never say that!!!"

but it is amusing hearing "Gohan" so cold hearted.

***End DragonballZ rant***

If you enjoyed this story, watch out for my other ones. I can assure you they will be equally as graphic, emotional... and usually make me think; 'should I be really writing and posting this stuff?'

Also, I will soon have a DN AMV up soon with the song "Never Wanted to Dance." (as mentioned last chapter) I'll add a link on my profile when it's finished.

***End Author rant***


	10. Music Video

Finally got my Death Note AMV finished and uploaded onto youtube, if you are interested in seeing it the link is below. Also, the story line has nothing to do with Flames of Ebony, rather… how Light _should _have reacted to L's death. ^.^

youtube(dot)com/watch?v=dbakSb04auA

(the link is broken up so ff . net will read it)

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End file.
